The Pervert Ninja: An Epic Tale
by End of Infinity
Summary: A mysterious foe is plotting to destroy Konoha...can you guess the character? Because Naruto sure can't. Rated a high T, frequent updates. ShikaTem among others
1. Prologue

This story takes place immediately after Gaara's revival in the manga (chp 280). Even if you haven't read the manga, as long as you have a general understanding of Naruto, it shouldn't be too hard to follow. Enjoy!

**The Pervert Ninja**

PART I

Prologue – Disturbing Revelations! Kankurou is up to Something!

_Near midnight in a desert canyon, miles away from Hidden Sand Village…_

Kankurou turned and confirmed he was the only lifeform in thejagged wasteland. _Who would even waste time in a dump like this_, he thought. They were all busy celebrating the return of Kazekage Garaa back at the village, too excited to bother with Kankurou's "sudden need for urination" as he had put it. Only Hyuuga Neji had raised an eyebrow but had not followed. The rest of the village and the Konoha guests would be absentmindedly partying the night away. No one had asked why he needed to bring Karasu along, or why he couldn't use the village restrooms and instead insisted on walking miles out into the desert for a leak.

Well, enough of that. He couldn't get his jollies on worrying about inconsequential crap. The Jounin took off Karasu's strap and opened a hidden compartment. Various objects leaked out – medical tape, poison cartridges, kunai…_Where the hell did I put it?…ahhh! Here we go…hehehe_

_At the same time, on a cliff overlooking the canyon…_

A Byakkugan blazed brightly as Hyuuga Neji stood silently observing the scene. _Puppet_ _bastard…I knew something was up_, he thought to himself. He had already seen the various weapons dispersed from the secret puppet compartment, but what really got on his nerves was the wind, carrying Kankurou's malicious laughter through the canyon. "_Hehehe…" _He hated that laugh, and knew there were no pleasant intentions attached. Neji turned, knowing what he had to do. A windmill shuriken appeared from his robe interior as he slowly descended the cliff.

_At the canyon bottom..._

"Hehe…now this is the LIFE!"

Kankurou sipped a beer as assorted items lay strewn around the makeshift campfire. He reached an arm lazily into the pile and with one hand, pulled out what appeared to be a brand new magazine, the other placed firmly somewhere in his pants.

"Karasu, check. Sand Village rations, check…_Naughty Ninjas_ _volume 25_, you better check that, Kankurou, you painted stud!"

He began to leaf through the magazine, salivating at the pictures.

"Ooo, there's Katsuragi-san…Ayanami again this month?…DAMN, another fine pic, Miss Asuka, WOOF WOOF! Damn I'd like to-"

His loud, loud monologue was cut off by a sudden "Ahem."

"What the hell are you up to?" asked Neji.

"Uh…" Kankurou stuttered, thinking fast and still holding the mag. "I-am-a-pup-pet…Kan-ku-rou-is-not-in-the-vicinity-he-is-taking-a-major-piss-"

"Then why are you doing the robot?"

Kankurou stopped moving his limbs mechanically. Thinking was never his strength.

"Neji, is it? Well…what are YOU doing here! Eh? And with a shuriken no less!"

Neji coughed.

"Ten Ten gave it to me as a birthday present last year."

"Riiiight, right…like I'm supposed to believe-"

Neji slammed the shuriken into the ground, sending specks of sand and dirt everywhere.

"Cut the stalling. What are you doing here? And what's that in your hand…new invasion plans? Didn't you learn from 'last time'?"

"For the love of…they aren't _those_ kind of plans, it's top secret…now get the hell away from me!"

"You're not getting away that easily," Neji replied. Out of nowhere, Hyuuga hands shot out towards the magazine. "GIVE…ME…THE…DAMN…PLANS!"  
Kankurou tugged it back fiercely.

"Over my dead body!"

"If it comes to that, so be it!" yelled Neji.

"Arrrghhh!"

"Aaarrrggghhhh!"

And just like that, the magazine flew up in the air, falling to the canyon sand. A single, clear image at the back of the issue stared back at the two Jounin. Kankurou's eyes widened as he backed away from the horror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Next Chapter: Unknown Pictures! The Secrets Behind the Chuunin Exam!

_Karasu – Kankurou's puppetKunai/Shuriken – Ninja weapons_

_Byakkugan – Neji's "White Eyes" technique_


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Unknown Pictures! The Secrets Behind the Chuunin Exam!

3 years ago, a Chuunin exam was held to determine whether or not genins from the major shinobi villages of the world were deserving of promotions to the next level. The third task of the exam prompted two genin to do battle in front of thousands of potential clients. Needless to say, many of them were impressed. Some wanted to hire the genin right away, some spoke in excessive superlatives about the amazing crop of young talent that year, and some were just left plain speechless. However, when the curvacious Temari of Hidden Sand village stepped into the stadium, the crowd response was zombie-like and unaninimous.

"Legggzzz"

"Leeegs"

"LEGS"

"L-l-legs"

"Her legs…oh my God"

"LEEEGGGSS"

"Legs..."

After the battle, throngs of top modeling agencies flocked to her, asking her to be the face of their company.

"Dammit, don't you know I got a village to destroy in 5 minutes?"

"But Miss Temari, your legs…gah, I'm hypnotized…"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!"

"AAAHH! Please don't hurt me…"

"And you pay ZERO attention to my rack?"

"I know, I…what?"

"And my ass, too, I can KO steel with that-"

Suffice to say, she overaggressively declined. Three years later, unbeknownst to Temari, several naked pictures of her surfaced in _Naughty Ninjas_, the number one incredibly perverted magazine choice of hyperactive Hokage-wannabe genins, though no one knows how they got there. Now it's only a matter of time before the whole world finds out…

Next Chapter: Making Good Use of Byakkugan! Akamaru's New Hidey Hole!


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Making Good Use of Byakkugan! Akamaru's New Hidey Hole!

Rock Lee sat next to the tranquil pond, gazing not at the sparkling fish, but a magazine, and firmly gazing indeed. On the back read _Naughty Ninjas_, _volume 25_.

"Lee, there you are!"

No answer.

"LEE!"

…

"LEEEEEEEE!"

"What, what is it, Gai-sensei!"

"Get ready for your mission with the other Leaf shinobi, you'll be taking off any minute!"

"O-okay, Green Lantern ninja," Lee answered in a faraway voice. "I'll be ready in the springtime of youth and all that junk-"

"Dammit, Lee! Concentrate! Remember, your youthful sensei won't be with you on this mission!"

Gai flashed a dazzling smile, gave Lee a giant thumbs up and sprinted back to the village, passing by several ninja along the way.

"What's up Lee?"

Naruto, Neji, Sakura, and Kiba waited for an answer.

"YO!" Kiba yelled.

Lee turned around, and went back to flipping through the pages. Half of his face was bright red.

"Oh…you guys."

Sakura frowned. "Hey, what happened to the curry-crazed, sugarhigh Lee? We're about to go on a serious mission you know! You shouldn't be wasting-"

Naruto cut her off.

"Oooo, dattebayo!…is that what I think it is? NO KIDDIN, _volume 25_, SWEET! Oooh, nothin gets better than nekid blondes and my tons of testiclosterone, hehehe…" Naruto ripped the magazine out of Lee's hand, pages of naked girls falling everywhere as the boys started crowding around him. "Come to Kyuubi, baby…oh yeah…"

"Am I the only one who finds this UTTERLY REPULSIVE?" Sakura shouted.

"_Byakkugan!_ I love my bloodine..." 

"Oh, the green beast's beast is gonna explode anytime now!"

"Okay, I guess so." Sakura tossed her pink hair defiantly. "Those girls can't be ninjas 'cos their boobs weigh them down so much, you know. There's no sense in ogling-"

"Boobies…"

"BOOBIES, dattebayo…"

"_Byakkugan!_ Oh ho, yes…bigger boobies…"

"Good God." Sakura looked at Kiba, surprised. "What the…why aren't you getting turned on by this? Oh don't tell me – your clan doesn't have to get castra-"

Kiba shook his head.

"Nah, that's just for the dogs." He was looking at the pages like the others, only he didn't seem to have much interest. "They're just like any other shinobi to me."

Lee eyed him suspiciously.

"Then what's that balloon-sized thing swelling on the front of your pants?"

"Do we even want to know?"

"I'm definitely not Byakkugan-ing that…"

Naruto cleared his throat.

"Ahem…I believe the correct term is that our friend Kiba here is experiencing what we intelligent and mature ninja refer to as a bone-majigg…"

"Pervert!" yelled Sakura, sending him flying with her fist. She turned around to face Kiba. "Closet pervert!"

"Geez, relax guys." Kiba began to unzip his pants…

"For the love of Byakkugan!"

…as Akamaru bounded out of his crotch region barking happily.

"Well, that's a relief," said Naruto, rubbing his temple. "At least we know Kiba here's missing his balls-"

Sakura looked revolted. "That is so incredibly disgusting, I can't finish this sentence-"

"Hey! It's just Akamaru's new hidey-hole, is all."

Next Chapter: White-Haired Morons! The Last Bit of Sanity Men Have!

_Kyuubi – The nine-tailed fox demon sealed inside Naruto_

_Bone-majigg – Perhaps Naruto was looking for the word "boner"_


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – White-Haired Morons! The Last Bit of Sanity Men Have!

"Hidey-hole?" coughed Neji, as the dog bounded around chasing mosquitoes. "Now I regret stuffing myself on sushi before missions…"

Naruto shook his head and laughed. "I don't get what's the big deal. The important thing is…BOOBIES, dattebayo!" He began to pick up the scattered Naughty Ninja pages off the ground as two serious-looking white-haired ninja appeared.

"Oh, thank God you're here Kakashi-sensei," said Sakura, relieved.

"Sorry, folks…today I got lost on the path of OHMYGODGIVE METHAT-"

Kakashi viciously grabbed what was left of the magazine out of Naruto's reach, and stared it down dreamily.

"And there goes the last bit of sanity men have," croaked Sakura helplessly, shaking her head.

"Now Sakura," Kakashi replied, without even looking at her. "You know I'm going to confiscate these inappropriate materials right away…these…very…very inappropriate pictures…of…hot…hot young…girls…"

The white-haired man behind him knocked the crowd over like bowling pins.

"Did someone say HOT YOUNG GIRLS! Only the master of super perverts, Jiraiya the Horny, can handle such a delicate situation with such care!" He proceeded to do a funky dance, somehow accompanied by unexplained Chinese opera music.

_DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!_

"Where's that music coming from?" asked Kiba. "And is it just me, or does that girl in that pic right there look like that kunoichi with the fan, whatshername…"

"Hmm." Lee looked it over carefully…and sweatily. "K-kind of d-does…but why is she asleep, and the place is so dark? I almost can't see her-"

"Who CARES, dattebayo! She's NEKID!" yelled Naruto happily, high-fiving Jiraiya. Sakura stared at them.

"How can you all be such PERVERTS! Jiraiya-sama, how can you drool over girls FORTY years younger than you?"

Jiraiya eyed her closely and let out a booming laugh. "My my, you have much to learn my delicious - I mean…young Sakura. What a foolish question unbefitting of a Chuunin! If one can do it with frogs, one can certainly do it with teen girls!"

_DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!_

Everyone stood there for what seemed like an eternity. It was Neji who broke the silence.

"I really regret the sushi now."

Next Chapter: Attention Big Fans of Universe! Super Fantastic Mission To Invade Unknown Facility 11 Followed By Incredible Action Inspection of Crazy Number 12 Facility! No One Dies, But Action to Maximum Are You Ready For Supreme Excitement Explosion! Why Japanese Use Long Titles Me Not Know

_Kunoichi – Female ninja_


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Attention Big Fans of Universe! Super Fantastic Mission To Invade Unknown Facility 11 Followed By Incredible Action Inspection of Crazy Number 12 Facility! No One Dies, But Action to Maximum Are You Ready For Supreme Excitement Explosion! Why Japanese Use Long Titles Me Not Know

Kakashi hastily tried to change the subject.

"Now folks…we have a mission at hand. I'll be the temporary holder of these illicit pornographic documents."

"Over my fat, frog-smelling dead body," muttered Jiraiya.

Sakura yanked the papers out of their hands and tore them to shreds.

"THERE…I hope you're all happy, cos I know your privates AREN'T."

The men stared at the scene, aghast.

"Sakura!" boomed Jiraiya angrily. "This immature act deserves _severe_ consequences! Head for my motel room at once with a see-through skirt and three beers - here's my room key…"

"No way! We're going to accomplish this mission as we were told!"

"Who gave us this mission by the way, Kakashi?" asked Kiba.

"If I remember correctly, it was direct from the Hokage's office. I'm sure you've all been briefed."

Everyone nodded their heads except Lee.

"Uh, I was sidetracked by some personal issues, Kakashi-san."

"More like self-pleasure issues," Sakura snorted.

"Then I'm only going to repeat this once," sighed Kakashi. "Straight from the office":

_To Jiraiya-Sannin,Hatake Kakashi, Hyuuga Neji, Inuzuka Kiba, Haruno Sakura, Rock Lee, and Uzumaki Naruto:_

_You have been ordered to inspect two warehouses, Facility 11 and Facility 12, in close proximity to the Hidden Village of Sand. As the current Kazekage is still recovering in the hospital with the village's best ninja at his side, their scout and reconnaisance forces are limited. The Sand have agreed to allow us access to these two facilities, placed about 85 miles southeast of their village in a large oasis. Word has it that they are producing illegal weapons against the Sand in need of immediate removal. Unconfirmed reports indicate the compound is led by one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. Mission success will result in 50,000 per ninja, and free Ichiraku coupons._

_This mission has been rated A. Good luck._

"Ooo, Dattebayo!" Naruto grinned. "More free ramen, that's the next best thing to being NEKID!"

"Just how long can you last on that stuff, Naruto?" laughed Kiba. Akamaru barked in agreement.

"What, nekid boobies?"

Kiba smacked his forehead.

"Class A, huh?" Neji smirked confidently. "With all these skilled ninja, it'll be a cakewalk."

"Hmm…Class A opponents are always a hassle, eh Kakashi?"

The copy ninja nodded. "Always, Jiraiya-sannin."

"Oh please," laughed Naruto. "Whether it be learning Rasengan or getting laid by Sakura, it's just another easy step in my quest to become Hokage!"

Sakura punched him in the face again. "If only I had a nickel everytime I heard that…"

Next Chapter: Objective Sighted! A Ninja's Plan!

_Rasengan – Naruto's "Great Sphere" technique, learned from Jiraiya_

_Sannin – A title honoring the three genius ninja of Konoha_


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Objective Sighted! A Ninja's Plan!

Seven ninjas and one dog leapt through the dense forest between the two allied villages.

"Hey, Kakashi let me out on the way."

Oh, sorry Pakkun. Okay, seven ninjas and two dogs.

"WOOF WOOF! The legendary frog-hermit likes what he sees flying high above women's dresses!"

Okay, three dogs.

At midnight, they arrived at the edge of the forest, where the land turned to sand, and unforgiving miles of dark wasteland. They did not have to stray out of the trees to find the target. A quarter mile away from the forest edge lay a large oasis, glittering in the desert. Two small warehouses lay next to each other uncomfortably, as if they had been forced upon the location against their will.

"What a beautiful place," whispered Sakura.

"Don't even be comparing it to the beauty of 18-year-old hips," Jiraiya scowled.

"Neji? Do you find this location a little too…inviting?"

But Neji did not hear Kakashi's words. He was focused instead on the two dozen muscular shinobi guarding the compound's only door, on the side of Facility 12.

"What do you think of this, Akamaru?" Kiba asked.

The tiny pooch gave an uneasy bark and popped his head back under Kiba's waistline.

"Hm, Akamaru? You smell 'evil perfume?'"

Naruto snorted. "I think your dog's been spending too much time in your crotch."

Kiba gave him the finger.

"Look…when my dog is whimpering and scared shitless, it always means the same thing. He's warned me of Gaara's power, he's warned me of Ukon and Sakon's abilities, he warns me of Lee's daily sake-induced naked rampages…"

"Uh, could I borrow that dog when we get back, Kiba?" Neji interjected.

"Could we sort that out some other time?" muttered Lee angrily.

"Whatever, perverts. Let's get back to the mission."

After everyone had done their preliminary scouting, Kakashi and Jiraiya motioned them together, agreeing on a plan.

"Remember," said Kakashi. "We are here to inspect as ninja, not fight as ninja. Once we've scouted our objective, we will return to Konoha. Now, Jiraiya will – wait, where's Naruto?"

About a quarter mile away, a lone ninja rushed towards the facility guard.

"You BASTARDS! I'll kill you ALL! DATTEBAYO!"

"NO!" yelled Jiraiya, as the rest followed quickly. Battle was now inevitable.

Next Chapter: Frightened Jiraiya! The Worst Opponent!

_Ukon and Sakon – Powerful foes of Kiba_

_Sake – Rice wine. Only a small dose of alcohol turns Lee into a drunken madman_


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 – Frightened Jiraiya! The Worst Opponent!

Naruto stood fiercely across the entrance doors of Facility 11.

"C'mon, you muscleheads! Why don't you be real men and face me!"

One of the guards waved a pink handkerchief in reply

"Oh my gosh Brad, I'm like, so scared!"

"Yeah, my high heels are quaking, boo hoo."

"Hun, do you even know who you're _dealing_ with?"

Suddenly, all the color went out of Jiraiya.

"What's wrong, Jiraiya-sannin?" asked Sakura, worried.

"I…I forgot something at home…I have to go back…my frogs need care…"

"Dammit," Kakashi muttered. "They must have known he was coming, so they prepared accordingly."

"What are they!" Neji demanded as his Byakkugan blazed. "I've never seen these ninja before."

"Jiraiya-sannin's worst opponents, the only ninja he has never defeated – the _Mascu-nin_."

"That's right, sweetie," replied one of the guards. "We're gonna treat you boys _right_!" Jiraiya ran away screaming into the forest.

"_Sparkly_ _no Jutsu_!"

"_Homosexy_ _no Jutsu_!"

"_Ugly Man-icure_ _no Jutsu_!"

"_Steel Worker Outfit_ _no Jutsu_!"

"_Richard Simmons_ _no_ _Jutsu_!"

Within moments, Lee was covered in stinging perfume, Neji had grown enormous lips and breasts, Sakura sprouted nails the size of tree limbs, Kakashi was surrounded by shadow clones of a sweaty man in overalls and nothing else, and Kiba was getting molested by Akamaru, who had turned into some kind of energetic half-ape, half-man who kept repeating exercise mottos.

"What do you think of us now, doll?" asked one of the Mascu-nin, smiling sweetly. Naruto felt a flicker of fear but stood his ground. _Think Naruto, think, dattebayo! There has to be a way!_

And then the answer came…so simple, so obvious! Too bad Neji was the one who thought of it.

"Naruto! use Sexy no Jutsu!"

"Of course! Thanks Hinata!"

"It's Neji, dumbass."

"Right, Neji!…_SEXY NO JUTSU_!" And with a POOF, Naruto transformed into a sultry, naked blonde, blowing seductive kisses to all the guards. The mascu-nin screamed in agony.

"A…n-n-naked…g-g-g-irl! They're using super forbidden techniques!"

"Their power is like, SO beyond ours…come on boys, let's shoo."

"Oh my gosh, they scratched my man purse! I'm outta here!"

As the last of the mascu-nin fled into the forest, Naruto pumped his fist in the air.

"Yes! Way to go…uh…dude with no irises. Of course, Sakura could've just taken off her clothes and saved us all the trouble-"

"Would you shut up? I'm already trying to dispel these jutsu effects!"

Neji scowled. "We still haven't accounted for the Mist swordsman yet."

"And look who's on cue," said Kakashi, pointing towards the warehouse.

Two enormous figures emerged out of the entrance doors. A deep, dark growl of a voice answered the leaf ninjas.

"Enough. It ends…NOW."

Next Chapter: A Merciless Foe! The Unique Swordsman of the Mist!


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – A Merciless Foe! The Unique Swordsman of the Mist!

"Someone explain to me why EVERY damn Mist ninja has a huge-ass sword, a nasty attitude, and an affection for kids who I don't even know are boys or girls but would give their lives to protect them for no reason?"

"Calm down, Naruto," Kakashi warned, fingering his forehead protector. "You are facing Itadari the Flameshadow. That second shadow there isn't a person…it is a sword."

"CORRECT!" boomed Itadari, holding the majestic blade high in the air. "WHO NEEDS LUSCIOUS LITTLE BOYS WHEN YOU HAVE THE MIGHT OF FINE STEEL!"

Sakura's mouth flew open.

"W-what?" shouted Lee, amazed.

"It must weigh well over two hundred pounds!" gaped Kiba. Akamaru growled under his pants. "My bad, three hundred. Three HUNDRED!"

"AH, SO YOUR PENIS TALKS TO YOUAS WELL!"

"The sword," continued Kakashi, trying his best to change the subject. "Is the Oni blade, Kazuhime-"

"Hmm, so he is unique for a Mist dude," cut in Naruto.

" –which he forged with the help of his 12-year-old boy lover Akinori."

"Never mind."

"AKINORI!" boomed Itadari. "WHAT A GREAT CHILD…IT IS TRULY SAD THAT HE HAS NOT SURVIVED TO WITNESS DAYS SUCH AS THIS."

"Hmm, looks like a fight is unavoidable then," Kakashi chuckled, as he lowered his headband protector.

Lee put up his fists and readied into combat stance. "The beautiful green beast of Konoha is ready for anything!"

"You won't be getting past us!" yelled Sakura, adjusting her gloves.

"No one can stop my path of becoming Hokage!"

"Akamaru and I are gonna enjoy beating the crap out of you!"

"…"

"Neji? What about your battle slogan?"

"…"

"NEJI! Hey man, what's wrong with you?"

The Hyuuga stood still, gaping at Itadari.

"You're…what happened to your skin?" he finally asked.

"WHAT ABOUT MY SKIN? THE LITTLE BOYS LOVE IT."

Slowly, the others began noticing.

"What an odd clan he must be from," wondered Kakashi.

"Yeah, I've never seen that condition before," said Sakura, fingering through her pocket medical dictionary.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU LEAF MORONS? HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A BLACK MAN IN KONOHA BEFORE?"

His comment was answered by mumbling and head shakes.

"Not really, can't say I have."

"What's a black man? You look more brown than anything…"

"Yeah I agree…he must be an ALIEN, dattebayo!"

"Does that mean you're black inside then? Whoa, wait till Tsunade-sensei hears about this!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP FOOLS! IT'S TIME TO GET IT ON!" The Mist swordsman pounded the sword in the ground, emanating rivers of white hot chakra from the blade as patches of dirt and sand flew into the air.

"Jump now!" yelled Neji.

"HA! IT WILL NOT BE THAT EASY."

Suddenly, the chakra rivers attached themselves like solids to the pieces of airborne earth. The white hot chakra engulfed the dirt and sand, and, with one murderous swing of Kazuhime, were sent flying in the direction of the shinobi.

"_NOBI NO JUTSU_! (Flame Field technique)"

Within seconds, the leaf ninja lay on the ground, most of them with heavy burns.

"ARROGANT FOOLS. LEARN TO FIGHT SOMEONE YOUR OWN PITIFUL SIZE FOR A CHANGE?"

"Would that be me?"

_DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!_

Itadari turned his head and took an unconscious step backward. Jiraiya had returned.

Next Chapter – Old Rivals Clash! Neji's New Super Ultimate Technique!


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – Old Rivals Clash! Neji's New Super Ultimate Technique!

"JIRAIYA! WE MEET AGAIN, AND FOR THE LAST TIME!"

The Sannin leapt into the charred desert battleground.

"That you are correct on, old friend. Let us fight man to man, like we always have!"

"LIAR! YOU HAVE ALWAYS USED THAT DAMN FREEBASING FROG TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK!"

"Say what?…_Kuchiyose_ _no Jutsu_!" In seconds, an enormous toad with a blue robe and pipe appeared behind Jiraiya. He yawned and took a step back. "Okay Gamabunta, I'll give you more Sake and cocaine once you beat him, I'll be taking a nap, good luck."

The toad turned around and shot him a sleepy look.

"Jiraiya-mon, that ain't gonna fly wit me mon, I feel like hazy mon, gimme a couple dem mystery brownies an' I sees what I can do, pretty white boy-"

The giant toad mumbled some more slurred words, raised one foot…and then promptly crashed to the ground with a huge _THUD_

"Huh?" Jiraiya scratched his chin. "Oh right, right…another toad ODing, huh? Better take it easy on the drugs next time – _Kai_!"

The frog vanished in a wisp of smoke. Suddenly, Itadari charged Jiraiya.

"NOW I SHALL FINALLY GET MY REVENGE FOR WHAT YOU DID!"

"Hold up, what did he do?" asked Naruto fervently.

The giant swordsman stopped and stared him down. "HE WAS THE ONE…WHO TURNED MY PRECIOUS AKINORI AGAINST ME!"

Jiraiya snorted.

"Come on, all I did was ask him to look up 'pedophilia' in the dictionary."

"AND THEN HE TRIED TO KILL ME! I WAS FORCED TO BEHEAD MY BELOVED APPRENTICE!"

"I wouldn't exactly call a kid who served you tea and ricecakes in his underwear an apprentice."

"FOOLISH OLD HERMIT, I SHALL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF FOR THOSE WORDS!"

"You would die before your stroke fell!" yelled Neji, getting in the way.

"No, Neji!" Kakashi shouted. "His chakra concentration is in the sword, not his bod-"

"I'm going to finish this troll right now with my new Hyuuga clan ultimate technique. It will be over soon – this is my destiny!"

Lee gasped. "Not _that_ technique, Neji-kun!"

"HAHA, PHYSICAL ATTACKS ARE USELESS, MISSING-IRIS BOY!"

A large yin-yang circle suddenly formed under Neji.

"_Hakke…Ichiorukujuuhachisou_! (Eight Divination Signs, One Hundred Million Palms of the Hand)"

Next Chapter – Itadari's One Weakness! The Future Hokage Saves the Day…Again!

_Kuchiyose no Jutsu – The summoning technique. Jiraiya's specialty is toads_

_Kai – "Cancel" technique_


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 – Itadari's One Weakness! The Future Hokage Saves the Day…Again!

"No, Neji!" Kakashi shouted. "His chakra concentration is in the sword, not his bod-"

"_Hakke…Ichiorukujuuhachisou_! (Eight Divination Signs, One Hundred Million Palms of the Hand)"

_2 hours later…_

"24,544 strikes! 24,545 strikes! 24,546 strikes! _Feel the BURN!_"

Naruto yawned as everyone watched Neji literally tickle the hell out of an amused Itadari.

"Yo Lee," asked Kiba. "I thought everytime Neji did a round of palm strikes, he doubled the number."

Lee shook his head.

"He thought it would be cooler to show off by doing one strike at a time. I admit he's pretty good, but I honestly don't get this." He stood up and walked over to Neji's swirling form. "Sorry Neji…_Konoha Senpuu_!"

Neji fell to the ground and rubbed his chest. "I almost had him, Lee!"

"Yeah, yeah, only a couple million more hours," muttered Naruto. "Let the pros handle the amateur!"

_Silence._

"Uh Nejo, got any more ideas?" asked Naruto hastily, as Itadari pointed his sword at him.

"It's Neji, dumbass."

"Bah, I don't need you! Think Naruto, think quick, dattebayo!"

And then, like a lightbulb turned on, the answer came, maybe not as simple or obvious as Sexy no Jutsu, but it still came. It came from Kakashi.

"Naruto, use Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

"What? Oh…right! _TAJUU KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU_! (Mass Shadow Replication)"

Within moments, thousands upon thousands of Naruto clones appeared in the battlefield. And as expected, Kakashi's ploy was genius.

"OH MY GOD! SO MANY BOYS! SO MANY PREPUBESCENT, LUSCIOUS-"

"Ewww…" Sakura choked.

" -BOYS! I SIMPLY CAN'T GET MY HANDS ON SO MANY OF…GAH…CHEST PAINS…NAUSEA…IS THIS HEAVEN?…ARGH!…"

Itadari fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Go get some rope, kids," sighed Jiraiya. "Lots and lots of rope."

Next Chapter – Dealing with the Devil! The Secret of Facility 12!

_Konoha Senpuu – "Leaf Whirlwind" technique_


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 – Dealing with the Devil! The Secret of Facility 12!

When Itadari finally came to, the first thing he saw was his sword in the corner of Facility 11, guarded by Jiraiya.

"YOU DAMN BASTARDS!"

"Alright, who wants to interrogate him," asked Kakashi.

"Ugh…I'm not dealing with the devil, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura answered.

"Yeah, my stomach isn't feeling too well either…"

"Alright. Lee and Sakura, please wait outside and secure the warehouse entrance."

"Yes sir."

"Okay, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura and Lee left the room.

"Now then." Kakashi turned back to Itadari. "How about you answer some questions?"

"HELL NO, ONE-EYED MAGGOT!"

"If you don't Idatari-san, we will break your sword into pieces."

"NO ONE POSSESSES THAT MIGHT!"

"I will ask Kiba and Akamaru here to tear it up."

"Grrrrr!"

"THOSE PUPPIES CAN'T DO JACKSHIT!"

"I'll force Naruto to make more boy-clones."

"DONE, WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW."

"First off…and I hope you're noting this down, Jiraiya-sannin-"

"You know I'm not, Kakashi-san."

" -who hired you?"

"A NINJA WHO WOULD NOT GIVE HIS NAME. HE WAS TALL, WORE LOOSE CLOTHS AND HAD A SUSPICIOUSLY IMMATURE VOICE."

"Hmmm…okay, that's not very helpful. Where did your meeting occur?"

"HE CONTACTED ME IN THE HIDDEN VALLEY OF SAND DURING THE KAZEKAGE'S RETURN."

"And you went along with this?"

"OF COURSE. HE GAVE ME AN OFFER I COULDN'T REFUSE."

"Gee, I wonder what that was."

"Quiet, Naruto!" Kakashi continued. "What was this offer?"

"ALL THE NAKED PHOTOGRAPHS OF LEAF SHINOBI I WANT."

Kiba grimaced. "I think I'm gonna join those two outside, Kakashi-san…"

"Go ahead, Kiba. Where are these photographs, Itadari?"

"IN THE OTHER FACILITY."

Kakashi turned to Neji, who nodded immediately and turned to the wall dividing the two warehouses.

"_ByakkugAHHHH_OHMYGOD!" Neji grabbed his eyes as if they were on fire.

"What did you do to him!" demanded Kakashi.

"I DID NOTHING, KAKASHI-SAN."

"Jiraiya, Naruto, go take a look."

"Sure thing. Let's go, Naruto!"

"OK, dattebayo!"

The two ninja smashed through the dividing wall and found…boxes? Hundreds and hundreds of wooden boxes, stacked one on top of the other. All were labeled with a name of a leaf shinobi.

"Careful, Naruto!"

They took down one of them – on it was written _Usumakki Naruto_.

"Ready?"

"Yep, Ero-sennin."

Slowly, they removed the cover…

Still clutching his stomach, Kiba wandered outside the warehouse, looking for Lee and Sakura. Akamaru popped out above his shirt and gave a low bark.

"_What's that Akamaru?" _he whispered back._ "Something I don't want to see or hear!_" Suddenly, he heard two familiar voices…

"Come on Sakura-chan, just this once…I won't get messy, I promise…"

"I already told you Lee-san, get away from me!"

"But I can't restrain myself…PLEASE, JUST ONE TIME!"

"For the love of-"

"I promise it'll be quick and painless…my springtime of youth DEMANDS it!"

"Dammit, I told you, I'm not letting you use my lipstick!"

Kiba cleared his throat.

"So what are you guys up-" He was cut off by Jiraiya's voice from inside.

"PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS NARUTO!"

Jiraiya was holding up a naked photo of a certain snoring leaf ninja.

"I…that's…what…"

Jiraiya dropped the picture. He focused on the box right next to Naruto's, labeled _The Fat Guy w/ White Hair_.

"Ooo, I hope a lady took these pics," he mused, rifling through an assortment of naked photos of himself. Neji got to his feet shakily.

"I saw mine…my name…but I didn't want to…damn Byakkugan…I can't believe this…" he stuttered.

Kiba, Lee and Sakura ran through the gaping hole in the warehouse wall.

"Aren't ninja supposed to operate QUIETLY!" barked Sakura.

Naruto whimpered.

"What's wrong with you!"

He pointed to the various boxes in the room.

"HEY! These boxes have our names on them, cool!" said Kiba. "Let's take a looksie inside-"

An hour later, the shinobi of leaf looked like petrified statues of agony.

"All I can say is," quaked Naruto. "We need to find the loser ninja behind this…and tell him to print kunoichi photos only."

_END OF PART I_

_Ero-sennin – "Perverted Hermit" in Japanese_

From the writer:

What did you think? There is no way in hell you'd know who the Pervert Ninja is by now, although once he/she is revealed, you'll certainly rip out your hair (or scalp if you're bald). Part II begins when I can get enough positive reviews for whatever I just wrote.

-goes back to drinking sake and red bull-

In the meantime, please enjoy what Naruto fans have come to expect when watching the anime: POINTLESS FILLERS!

Next Chapter: Sidechapter A - Blood and Clay! Akatsuki's True Talent!


	12. Sidechapter A

Sidechapter 1 – Blood and Clay! Akatsuki's True Talent!

"This decrepit hole begs to be slaughtered," yawned Itachi.

He was sitting next to the Akatsuki leader and Zetsu in a dark, damp room littered with small tables, bored to death at the act on stage.

"How about this one…what's a shark-man's worst enemy?…Captain Ahab!"

Silence. 

Kisame stood there for a moment, waiting for laughs. "Eh? Get it? Cos I'm a shark-man…and…"

"Ahab hunted whales, doofus."

"Get off the stage ya jackass!"

"Boooo!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP OR I'LL KILL ALL OF YA!"

The crowd silenced immediately.

"Now then," continued Kisame. "What do you call a dead puppet who craps too much?"

_Complete silence_.

"A Sasori of the Brown Sands!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared Deidara in the back of the room.

Kisame scowled - no one else even moved an inch.

"So true, SO TRUE!" Deidara pounded his table in uncontrollable laughter. "You're killin ME, man! Hahahahaha!"

_Screw this shit_, thought Kisame.

"Alright then, you pitiful fools," he muttered, picking up his sword. "Why am I wasting my time telling bad jokes?"

"Cos you suck?"

"Cos sharks don't know shit about humor?"

"Cos that plant dude in the corner gave you herpes?"

"No," grinned Kisame, showing his razor-like teeth. "It's so now…I can get on with the BLOOD!"

Deidara leapt out of his chair and started rigging explosions all over.

"Yeah man, let's blow up these fools!"

And with that statement, they proceeded to violently sever and behead all the non-Akatsuki patrons in attendance. Itachi turned to Zetsu quizzically as Kisame and Deidara tore the room to screaming crimsom pieces.

"Sometimes, it seems as if mass murder is our true talent, Zetsu."

_-SPLATTER-_ "BEHOLD MY VENGEFUL FURY, VERMIN!" _-CRASH-_

"You mean _only_ talent, Itachi?"

"Our only talent, I mean." The Uchiha sipped his dirty martini quietly.

_-SMASH-_ "HOW YOU LIKE THEM PIGEONS, BITCHES!" -_BOOM-_

"Yes, you are correct that it is our only talent, Itachi…along with bribery, petty curryshoptheft, retired village elder pornography-"

"Okay, okay, I get the point."

From the writer:

-puts away whiskey-

Oh screw it, I'll start on Part II now, regardless of how many reviews or letter bombs I receive. Of course, if I get more reviews, I'll be inclined to work slightly harder on this fic (but probably not). Anyways, feel free to submit your guesses of the Pervert Ninja's identity in your review – those with correct entries get to meet creator of Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto!

-loud banging in basement-

Hold on a sec…

…

SHUT THE F UP, DON'T MAKE ME GO DOWN THERE KISHI!

…okay, where was I?

Oh yes, I'd appreciate it if I could have a few beta readers to not only check out new chapters in advance, but to verify their accuracy according to the Naruto universe. Thankies

Next Chapter – The Beginning of Part II! Understanding the Madness! Help, Shikimaru!


	13. Quick Notice for Part I

A quick note from the writer:

-puts down sake and random hentai-

Oh, it's time already? Okay, okay...

As you possibly already know, before I started Part II, I decided to add that Akatsuki filler story. You could call this "chapter" here a filler, even though Part II will be put up in about...oh, 2 minutes (I already wrote it up earlier while my boss fired my coworker, hehe. What can I say, I was in a mood for comedy).

Anyways, here are some questions you may have that will hopefully get answered, and in the same story no less! Here you go...some good ol' self-deprecation before you start part II.

Q: I know who the Pervert Ninja is! It's -insert name-

A: Wrong. Very wrong. Keep reading for more clues.

Q: Since when were so many ninja so damn perverted?

A: Oh come on...they're always sent on high-octane missions where lots of energy is expended. Where does that energy go when they have no missions? I know, I know...bad excuse.

Q: I see a grammatical mistake! DIE, phony!

A: Congratulations, email me so I can force you to be my beta reader.

Q: Why do you put that easy translated crap on the bottom of each chapter? We're not dumbasses, dumbass!

A: Hmm, good point. Oh well.

Q: Why is Kankurou checking out naked pics of Evangelion girls?

A: How the hell am I supposed to know? He likes variety, what can I say.

Q: Where did Neji really get a shuriken from?

A: I said Ton Ton didn't I? Ten-ten, I mean Ten-ten...shit.

Q: I like Temari's leggs too, don't you!

A: Good for you...I strongly suggest counseling.

Q: How is Warehouse 12 mentioned as the only one with doors, when the leaf ninja entered warehouse 11 and found all the dirty photos in warehouse 12?

A: Chalk it up carelessness.

Q: Since when was Naruto so braindead?

A: Since I watched the Bikouchuu arc.

Q: Since when was Jiraiya so perverted?

A: Dude, I'm not even gonna answer that.

Q: People in Naruto don't use nickels, fool!

A: I'm sorry, they use gil. My bad, Squall.

Q: How could Lee keep his Chuunin job if he gets drunk and naked so much?

A: Good question...maybe he only does it front of Kiba.

Q: Will u marry me?

A: Sure, why not.

Q: i think u use to much pedofile of Jiraiya and the gay isnt funnty.

A: That's not a question. Hell, that's not even English. How did you read my story again?

Q: Why is Gamabunta referred to as a toad...then a frog?

A: Cos we had a bong party. NEXT!

Q: Before the fight with Itadari, why did Kakashi LOWER his forehead protector?

A: He had third-degree burns on his cheek he wanted to cover, I dunno.

Q: Why is Lee infatuated with lipstick?

A: Cos 1. It's Sakura's, and he's perverted, add the two up 2. He's a teen, therefore he's incredibly confused/stupid.

Q: Why is the Akatsuki chapter called Sidechapter 1 and Sidechapter A?

A: Because I was high.


	14. Chapter 11

**The Pervert Ninja**

_PART II_

Chapter 11 – Understanding the Madness! Help, Shikimaru!

_Back at Konoha…_

"Damn, 10 minutes!"

Naruto sped through the streets of Konoha, knowing full well he would be tardy anyways. Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks, hearing three familiar voices…

"Come on Moegi, be my love slave…"

"Konohamaru, you're such a weirdo!"

"Don't refuse the number one pimp of Konoha, baby."

"What the _hell_'s going on here…have you gone mad, dude?"

Konohamaru turned around broke into a grin. "Hey Naruto! How did the mission go?"

"OK, I guess…why are you and runny-nose hittin' on Moegi?"

"Well, you do it to Sakura-chan all the time," Konohamaru answered, looking at the ground.

"Yes, but we're ADULTS. Look at you three, you're like…the size of my hand!"

"Naruto, maybe you haven't noticed, but we're all almost 5 feet tall, and we can probably read and write better than you-"

"Whoooa! Five feet! I ate five _pounds_ of ramen before I got here, you should too-"

"Uh…don't you have somewhere to go, Naruto?" asked Udon. "We shouldn't be keeping you waiting."

"Oh yeah, whoops." He zoomed off for the academy teacher's lounge, shooting one last puzzled look at Konohamaru.

"Hey Naruto! Late again, huh?"

"Ah shaddup, Shikimaru. What do you got for us?"

Naruto sat down at an oval table between Jiraiya and Kakashi. Also seated were Shikimaru, Shizune, and Tsunade.

"We're ready when you are, Hokage," said Kakashi. Tsunade stood up and began to speak and jot notes down on a small blackboard simultaneously.

"As you all know by now, the written details sent to those who participated in the Facility 12 mission did not have my authorization. Apparently, someone snuck into my office and stole my Hokage document seal-"

"What's that?" Naruto whispered noisily to Kakashi.

"It's a symbol for authenticating orders to noisy, hyperactive ninja like you, Naruto. Now sit your ass DOWN!"

"Whoa, calm down, granny Tsunade…"

The Hokage continued.

"As I was saying, my document seal was stolen, so Kakashi-san and Jiraiya-sannin thought the order had come straight from my office. I believe the thief is the same man who hired Itadari to defend Facility 12, so we can assume that this thief set the trap for us. As of now, we don't know how many of these distribution warehouses still exist, containing possibly thousands of photos of our…naked leaf comrades. The national Chuunin exam will be held here in 16 days, so I don't need to tell you how imperative it is for us to capture this pervert ninja before Konoha is disgraced beyond belief. Now Shikimaru-san, if you would…"

Shikimaru got up lazily.

"Although I find the whole thing troublesome, I am, at least according to Konoha, a super genius who can figure out anything. So, here are my thoughts of the situation."

Naruto yawned and turned his attention to Tsunade's breasts. A small grin began to form across his face, much to the disgust of Shizune.

"First off, we know the following from Morino Ibiki after his interrogation of Itadari. The man who hired him was tall, a bit out of shape, and had a very odd voice, possibly a falsetto. He also wore a black cloak and his face was covered with a dark hat. Itadari was ordered to guard the distribution facilities of photos that the man said he had taken himself."

"Hmm…there aren't too many ninja who sport that look," noted Kakashi.

The rest of the shinobi nodded.

"Go on, Shikimaru."

"Right-o, Kakashi-san. We also heard from Itadari that their meeting took place in the Hidden Sand village during the return of Gaara, but of course, that is no guarantee that the village is the Pervert Ninja's permanent residence."

"Correct," Shizune added. "Tsunade-sannin often brings along fellow shinobi from Konoha on her visits to Hidden Sand. This ninja could be from any village."

"Right. However, the fact that Hidden Sand is quite a distance from any food or water sources, moreso than any other village, allows us to at least speculate that the Pervert Ninja visits Hidden Sand to keep himself nourished, or at least hires someone to do it for him. According to our records, he cannot visit Konoha, due to the fact that none of our shinobi or visitors fit the profile described by Itadari."

"So, what are you suggesting we do then?" Naruto asked.

Shikimaru put his fists down on the table.

"You, Jiraiya-sannin, and Kakashi-san will go to Hidden Sand and look for the Pervert Ninja."

Next Chapter - The Kazekage In Good Health! Naruto's Odd Sensation!


	15. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 – The Kazekage In Good Health! The Future Hokage Suffocated!

"WHAT!" Naruto roared. "Why the three of us?"

"Because," Tsunade replied curtly. "What better way to hunt down a pervert ninja than with Leaf's best pervert ninjas?"

"Hmm, can't argue with that," mused Jiraiya.

"Come on, let's go Naruto."

Kakashi and Jiraiya left the room as Tsunade and Shizune followed. Naruto finally stood up.

"Wait, Naruto." Shikimaru walked over to his seat. "I have one favor to ask when you get to Sand."

"Eh? What's that?"

Shikimaru sighed.

"Could you…send a message to Temari? Tell her I saw her in this magazine…but I don't read it…uh, say Chouji showed it to me. I know someone took those pictures of her without her consent, and that I'll do everything I can to get the pervert behind it…and that I'm currently really busy with my teaching so I put some super pervert ninjas up to the task…and that when she comes to Konoha next time, I'd love to have lunch with her again, same place-"

"OKAY, OKAY." Naruto groaned. "Anything for a guy who sends me on stupid, easy missions. I know you want to make out with her and all-"

"WHAT! Naruto, you're so used to thinking that we're together when we clearly AREN'T, that you're always unconsciously babbling to everyone within earshot that Temari and I have dirty sex in the teacher's lounge, this and that…"

"So you don't like her?"

Shikimaru grinned as he closed the door.

"Nah. You know it'd be too troublesome."

Two hours later, Naruto met up with Kakashi and Jiraiya at Konoha's gate.

"Ready Naruto?"

"Yep, Kakashi-sensei!"

The three ninjas took off for Hidden Sand. As they sped through the forest, Naruto began to think over what Shikimaru had said.

"Hm….YES…I got it!"

"What now, Naruto?" Kakashi put down the book he was reading.

"It's obvious who the pervert ninja is! Yep, I'm certain, just like I was when I found that Bikouchuu!"

Jiraiya stared at him.

"You know who he is!"

"The pervert ninja is…Chiyo-basama!"

…

"Uh, isn't she an old hag?"

"Not to mention she's _dead_."

"Naruto, you didn't think this through very hard, did you?"

"Oh, right, right Ero-sennin…hold on, I'll think some more."

"Please don't think Naruto, it doesn't suit you."

"Ah shaddup, Kakashi sensei…"

_2 days later_

The three Leaf shinobi had arrived at Hidden Sand village. Kakashi and Jiraiya had gone to see how Gaara was doing and brief him on the situation. Naruto found himself slugglishly shuffling down an empty road just outside the main marketplace…

_What a boring village_, he thought to himself sleepily. _I can barely keep my eyes open…hm?…what's this sensation I'm feeling…I'm…suffocating?…when did suffocation feel really good…really, really…uh oh…_

Naruto opened his eyes and found his face buried in the cleavage of an attractive fan-bearing kunoichi..

"Well, well, isn't it nice to see you again, Naruto-kun!"

Next Chapter – Temari Blushes! The Unexpected Visitors!

_Bikouchuu – A legendary bug. Naruto mistakes cockroaches for them_


	16. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 – Temari Blushes! The Unexpected Visitors!

The Jounin shoved Naruto to the ground violently as he gasped for air.

"I…what…sorry…I'm…"

"A mega pervert? Yeah, I know."

Naruto got to his feet and coughed up sand.

"Sorry, Temari-chan…I got a little carried away there."

Temari cleared her throat.

"So…what brings you and your Konoha buddies here? It can't be the colorful scenery."

"Uh, we're here looking for a certain black-clothed ninja. He's number one on our village's most-wanted list for...uh…taking perverted ninja photos."

Temari suddenly turned bright red.

"Y-Your village? Then why the hell are you here?"

"Because! We think he may be hiding out around Suna, and he DOES need food and water, so…"

Temari scowled and stretched her hands above her head. Naruto felt slightly dizzy.

"Well, you're not going to find any black-clothed pervert ninja out here except Kankurou. You have a village idiot, and you have a village pervert. Kankurou just _has_ to play both for us."

"Kankurou! AHAHAHAH!"

"What's so funny?"

"That puppet loser? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"

Temariunlatched her fan.

"That puppet loser is my _brother_, Naruto."

"Your…oh, right. Haha, sorry…my bad."

"Well, I don't want to keep you waiting…have fun with your search, Naruto-kun."

Temari gave Naruto a small punch on the shoulder and turned around to leave.

"Oh, one more thing!"

"Hm?"

"Shikimaru asked me to send you a message."

Temari's eye's lit up, and she was blushing noticeably.

"A message from Shikky?"

_She calls him Shikky? Haha, I'm going to have a field day with this one! Hahaha… _

"Uh, yeah. Something about…" Naruto rubbed his chin, trying to remember what Shikimaru told him. "…oh! Right, right. He wanted to say he was really busy teaching at the Academy, and that he hoped you were doing ok, and that next time you went to Konoha for business, he'd get a motel room set up, and…uh…bring some condoms 'cos he can't get any…and…"

"Some _what?_!"

Naruto stared into space. What had he just said?

"What did I just say again?"

"Oh…you said nothing. See you later, Naruto-kun!"

As Temari zoomed away, Naruto thought he caught a faintflicker of agrin on her face. _What was that all about? Better ask Shikimaru when I get back._

He continued down the street, taking in the drab buildings and their limited palettes. Somewhere deep down inside, he longed to be back in Konoha, back in the cozy confines of his room.

Suddenly, a loud ringing pierced the atmosphere. The alarm did not stop. Naruto ran as fast as he could back in Temari's direction, passing by hundreds of frightened villagers until he reached the height of the village – the Kazekage residence.

"Yo Naruto, you're late!" yelled Jiraiya. Kakashi, Temari, Kankurou and Gaara were talking in low voices amongst each other as the village below milled about in chaos.

"What…what's the big deal…?" asked Naruto exasperatedly.

"Nothing big," Jiraiya grinned. "Just the whole village is about to get attacked."

Next Chapter – Meeting Old Acquaintances! The Kyuubi's True Form!

_Suna – Another name for Hidden Sand Village_


	17. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 – Meeting Old Acquaintances! The Kyuubi's True Form!

Kakashi turned around and walked over to them, one hand in his pockets and another fingering through _Come-Come Paradise_. In the midst of chaos, he always looked to be in control of the situation, and his collected demeanormollified whatever floating worries nearby.

"Naruto, go with Jiraiya-sannin to the village entrance and scout the opponent."

"Can Temari-san and her amazing legs come with us, Kakashi-san?"

"Naruto, this is serious…stop thinking with your dick and get down there now!"

"Uh, Naruto didn't say that."

Kakashi looked up at Jiraiya.

"For the love of…just go!"

_A few minutes later, at the village entrance…_

"They're coming!" Baki shouted. "Open the gates and meet the enemy head on!"

"I can barely see their outlines," Naruto quipped, running out to face the intruders. "Can you see them Ero-sennin…Ero-sennin?"

He looked around for Jiraiya, but all he found were Sand shinobi charging the enemy with him.

"Fine…I'll just do this myself!"

The enemy ninja answered him in high-pitched voices.

"Ooo, a man in _control_…I like that, sweetcheeks."

"Ewww, an out-of-place leg hair!"

"After this is over, wanna pick some forget-me-nots?"

Naruto turned around just in time to see Jiraiya a mile behind, back at the village. It looked like he was cradling himself in a shaking ball. Naruto grinned and adjusted his forehead protector, throwing up a big thumbs up to no one in particular.

"Looks like it's up to the future Hokage once again, dattebayo!"

"Hey Jeremy, isn't that the same…"

"Oh no boys, cover your eyelashes!"

"Quick someone, get him before he tells on us!"

"_SEXY NO_-"

"_Botox no Jutsu_!"

Naruto grabbed his face in agony. His mouth and cheeks felt like they had been cut open with knives. The chakra inside him felt not only like it wouldn't circulate properly, but it would dissipate in seconds as well and leave him in a...well, he couldn't think about being in that state, the pain was too unbearable to form cohesive thoughts. All around him, the sand shinobi were in the same situation.

"Well well, you big bad wolf…do you still want to play with us little piggies?" asked one of the mascu-nin teasingly.

_Dammit!_

Naruto gritted his teeth as he lost balance and collapsed on the dirty sand, entering his subconscious.

"Because we _really_ want to play with you…"

_Ugh…I have no choice…_

…

…

_WAKE UP YOU DAMN FOX AND GIVE ME YOUR POWER!_

…

…

_Nah._

…_What! Give me your power, dickhead!_

_Ooo, I'm so hurt. What am I, your bitch?_

_Dammit, we're both gonna die then!_

_Meh…I've had a good run..._

_Jeez...Fine! I'll do anything you want! ANYTHING!_

_Anything, Naruto?_

_YES! Hurry the hell up!_

_Even shag a lady fox?_

_I already DID that, remember? I did it five times for crying out-_

_Oh whoops, my memory's a bit fuzzy…okay, here's some chakra…_

Suddenly, Naruto's body felt like it would explode with power.

"Oh no boys, he's getting velvety-smooth!" one of the mascu-nin squealed.

"_SEXY…NO JUTSU_!"

"AAAAHHHHHHH!"

_30 minutes later…_

Baki finished tying up the sobbing mascu-nin.

"I think that's the last of them…"

"Wait," Naruto cut in. "What about that one over there?"

"WHAT! I just tied him up!"

With a _POOF!_, the mascu-nin's appearance changed into a giant swordsman as the rope around him split into pieces.

Naruto groaned.

"Oh, for the love of Caps Lock-"

"THAT'S RIGHT…I'M BACK MY HUNNIES!"

Next Chapter – Fighting Without Chakra! Will I Really Defeat the Monster?

Come-Come Paradise – _Kakashi's ubiquitous choice of adult reading material_

_Baki – A sand Jounin who participated in the attack on Konoha 3 years ago. He seems to have been reformed_


	18. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 – Fighting Without Chakra! Will I Really Defeat the Monster?

"You! I thought Ibiki-san…"

"OH IBIKI? I SEDUCED HIM WITH MY MAN-CHARM, AND HE LEFT ME WITH HIS CELL AND HOUSE KEYS. I'M TOO MUCH OF A PLAYA FOR KONOHA TO HANDLE, BABY."

"Hold on, I forgot to-"

"PREPARE TO EAT MY BLADE, PITIFUL FOOLS…_NOBI NO JUTSU_!"

The impact sent them flying like dolls. Naruto got to his feet weakly, just in time to see the imposing figure of Itadari towering over him.

"NOW IT'S JUST ME AND YOU…MAKE GOOD ON YOUR PROMISE!"

"But…uh…thing is…I don't have any chakra left so…"

"DO IT!"

Naruto shuddered. He didn't like the prospect of facing this monster…especially without any chakra left.

"How the hell am I supposed to do Kage Bunshin no Jutsu when I have no chakra!"

"FIND A WAY TO PLEASURE ME, OR ELSE I'LL CHOP YOU TO PIECES!"

"Okay, okay! Just gimme a sec…"

Naruto turned around and sat down cross-legged among the injured shinobi, thoughts racing through his head as he slowly recovered his chakra.

_Think dattebayo, think! I need an opening…oh, what's the use…I'm just a loser like Neji always says I am…a useless loser, like those two large, round rocks over there………wait a second…_

_10 minutes later..._

Itadari picked up his sword in one hand and the back of Naruto's collar in the other, seething.

"THAT DOES IT, I'M GOING TO END THIS ONCE AND FOR-"

"Hold on, Itadari-san," Naruto interrupted. "W-why do you like little boys like me so much?"

Itadari dropped him, stopping for a moment.

"THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DO I _NOT_ LIKE! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR PETITE FIGURES, YOUR SMOOTH, HAIRLESS CHESTS, YOUR-"

"But what if my lovely boy chest is like _this_!" Naruto turned around, displaying two large, bouncing objects under his shirt.

"AAAH! WHAT…W-WHAT ARE THOSE!"

"Would you like to see, mister?"  
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!"

"Okay, I'll give you a little sample…" Naruto slowly pulled up his shirt.

"NOOOO!" Itadari covered his eyes and backed away from Naruto, tripping over himself in the process. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

_Now's my chance! _thought Naruto."_Rasengan_!"

Though he had not recovered much chakra, the sphere blew Itadari nearly a quarter mile away. Naruto grinned and turned around…just in time to see Kakashi and Jiraiya running in his direction.

"So you two were watching me – pretty impressed eh, dattebayo!"

Kakashi suddenly grabbed Naruto by the collar.

"We're going back to Konoha…something horrible has just happened."

Next Chapter – Emergency in Konoha! The Pervert Ninja Within Our Grasp!


	19. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 – Emergency in Konoha! The Pervert Ninja Within Our Grasp!

"What the?" shouted Naruto incredulously, smacking into twigs. "What's the big deal? I don't even get time to bathe in my glorious victory!"

"Ai, Naruto – this is an emergency call from the Hokage herself."

"_Wha..._Ero-sennin!"

"There's the gate," said Kakashi.

The three ninja jumped down from the trees and headed towards the gate to Konoha. It was heavily guarded by several shinobi teams; they could hear loud yelling and bustling from inside the village.

"Izumo, Kotetsu…what's this chaos?" asked Kakashi.

Two ninja guarding the gate waved back and opened the gate slightly.

"You'll see when you get inside, Kakashi-san."

"Don't forget to go straight to the Hokage."

Kakashi patted Kotetsu on the back and zoomed off to Tsunade's office, Naruto and Jiraiya in tow.

_A few minutes later…_

Tsunade slammed her fists onto the desk, breaking it in half.

_Oh great, more furniture fixing for those two_, thought Naruto.

"As you can see," she seethed. 'The whole damn village is in an uproar. I know you've all seen the damage he caused…"

"What damage?" Naruto asked.

"THE WRITING INSIDE MY OFFICE!"

Tsunade pointed angrily behind her. Nasty messages were written in ink all over the office walls.

"Oh…hehe, sorrry Granny-"

"SHUT UP!"

Naruto gulped. His mind wandered off to one particularly crudely writen message:

_For a goOd time, call the SLUg laDy_

-_the pervert NinJa_

Naruto nodded his head absentmindedly, wondering what Tsunade was yelling about. Suddenly, she stopped.

"So you DO think this is a total riot?" she roared accusingly.

"S-sorry Granny-"

Tsunade turned to him, smiling.

"That ink is _fresh_, Naruto…_that_ means the pervert ninja is still within Konoha…now get your ass out there and find him…before I punch the hell out of you!" She tossed him outside the office and slammed the door violently.

Next Chapter – What! The Ramen Strikes Back!

_Izumo and Kotetsu – Former Chuunin examiners, now office assistants to Tsunade_

_The Slug Lady – The Pervert Ninja's name for Tsunade, tamer of slugs_


	20. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 - What! The Ramen Strikes Back!

_Man, what an annoying hag_, thought Naruto. He walked down the mountain path towards Ichiraku Ramen, thinking about how money he had left in his frog wallet. As he removed it from his pocket, a pink-haired ninja smacked into him.

"Outta the way Naru…Naruto?"

"Owwww…Sakura-chan, what was that for?"

"Sorry, Naruto…I have to deliver a message to Tsunade-sensei…I think we found something the Pervert Ninja left behind!"

"Ooo, great work, Sakura-chan!"

"Aren't you supposed to be combing the village too?"

Naruto grinned.

"You underestimate the power of Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura shook her head and went on her way. Once she was out of sight, Naruto picked up his wallet from the dirt.

"Stupid Sakura-chan," he mumbled. "_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_!"

5 clones of Naruto appeared in front of him.

"Alright, you heard the man," he told the clones. "Go look for the biggest closet pervert in Konoha!"

The clones all pointed to Naruto.

"_Haha_, very funny…Now get crackin' if you want ramen later!"

The clones shot off at once.

"And that's the end of that," Naruto sighed.

----------

5 minutes later, he sat down in his usual seat at the Ichiraku Ramen shop, greeted by a warm bowl of ramen.

"Itadakimasu!"

He began wolfing down the noodles at lightning speed.

"Glad to see you've been working hard, Naruto-kun."

Naruto choked on his noodles.

"W-what are you two doing here?"

Seated next to each other in the corner were Ino and Ten-ten. They both looked completely exasperated.

"Ten-ten and I have been searching for that pervert guy for hours. You don't even seem tired, baka!"

"_Suuure…_" Naruto winked. "How do I know you were looking for him? Look at you both. You two were probably…getting to know each other better, hehe…"

"What exactly are you suggesting?" Ten-ten asked.

"Oh…_nothing_," Naruto muttered, grinning. He went back to his ramen.

"If youlre saying we're lesbians," said Ino casually. "Then you'd be right, Naruto-kun."

Naruto spat out all the soup and noodles in his mouth.

"_PFFFT_…since when-"

Ten-ten giggled.

"Everyone makes such a big deal of it, huh, Ten-ten?"

Naruto tried to focus, though he quickly found eating wasn't an option.

"S-so you're…lesbians? Uhm…can you give me any…video or photographic evidence to prove this claim-"

Ino punched him in the face as Ten-ten pounded the table in laughter.

"BAKA! We're not lesbians, perverted Naruto!"

"Stupid Ino-pig…"

Naruto went back to his noodles dejectedly.

"So…what did you think of our naked photos, Naruto?"

Again, the noodles went flying out.

"_PFFFT_...stop that, Ino-pig! Can't you see I'm trying to eat, dammit!"

"Hmm, that means he's seen them, Ino-chan," Ten-ten whispered loudly.

At that moment, hordes of ninja blew past the shop towards the Academy.

"We got him!"

"We found the Pervert Ninja!"

Naruto choked again. Thankfully, there were no noodles this time.

"WHAT?"

Next Chapter: The Pervert Ninja Found! Naruto's Fury Boils Over!

_Itadakimasu – An expression before eating, such as "bon appetit"_


	21. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 – The Pervert Ninja Found! Naruto's Fury Boils Over!

Naruto leapt to the forefront of the charging crowd.

"Who is it? Where are we going!" he demanded, to no avail. Suddenly, his footing failed him as he fell to the dirt.

"Oh no…," he groaned. Within moments, he was trampled underfoot by 264 anxious leaf ninja, though Chouji and his dad seemed like an extra fifty.

"No, Chouji! Help m-…AAAHHH! Not the Konoha marching band…oh God…Leaf elephants…OOF!"

When the dust settled, Naruto peeled himself off the ground and, with the help of two clones, limped over to the site of all the ruckus – the Academy. As he came closer, he noticed that most of the crowd was dead silent. Some were shaking their heads in disbelief.

"A little help, guys?"

The two clones propped him up on their shoulders. Naruto thought he caught a brief glimpse of the culprit before the three crashed down.

"OUCH! What the…that was a leaf ninja! I need a closer look…"

Naruto tried to bustle through the sea of somber ninja with his two clones pushing everyone else aside.

"Ahem, future Hokage coming through, let me see what's going."

Once again, a pink-haired ninja blocked his path.

"Outta the way Sakura-chan, I wanna see what's going on!"

She turned around slowly. Naruto was shocked to see tears falling down her pale face as they made eye contact.

"Oh Naruto…" Out of nowhere, she embraced him tightly, crying for the first time since...well, he couldn't remember.

"Uh…ok, I like you too, Sakura-chan…" He patted her head awkwardly. "Honestly, though, get a grip of yourself. Aren't you happy we caught this Pervert Ninja jerk?"

Sakura slowly slipped out of the hug and wiped her eyes with her arm.

"Naruto," she whispered. "Please leave…I…we don't want to hurt you."

Now he was thoroughly perplexed. What was it with all these depressed ninja?

"Sakura-chan, just let me see-"

"NO!" She blocked his way to the scene, tears stillfalling. "Please…"

"For the love of…do something, you two!"

The clones jumped in front of him and put their hands down as Naruto used them for leverage. He flew over Sakura and landed right next to the Pervert Ninja, handcuffed and head down. As he had suspected, the ninja was from Konoha…he could see the flak jacket and clothing.

"Hey, bastard!" Naruto yelled in his face. "Look at me! Look what you've done to all these people! Got any last words before they throw you away?"

The ninja looked up reproachfully at Naruto.

It was then that Naruto had, for the very first time in his life, a near heart-attack. His eyes wandered about the ninja's outline in horror, from the deep vertical nose scar to the spiked bun of hair, to the familiar brown eyes.

"Naruto," he stammered. "Please…"

"Iruka…sensei-"

"It wasn't me! I swear to you-"

Naruto didn't have to collect his thoughts. Izumo and Kotetsu hesitantly picked up Iruka's limp arms and dragged him away from his former student. Naruto stood there, frozen in place. Somewhere down inside, he felt the energy to propel his limbs for movement…

"NO! Get your hands offa him!" he heard himself yell.

Kakashi immediately leapt out of the crowd, blocking Naruto.

"What the hell, Kakashi-sensei! Let me at 'em…give me Iruka-sensei back! Give him b-"

It was too late. He was gone -taken to the cells.

"IRUKA-SENSEI!"

"Naruto...sorry." offered Kakashi.

The crowd dispersed a few hours later. Most of them had the same thoughts of shock and disbelief flowing through their heads as they went to sleep that night. Only a lone ninja remained rooted in the dirt yard of the Academy, the same place that he had felt so desperately lonely so many years ago, untila certainsensei had made him feel wanted for the first time in this world. As the stars darkened, he fell asleep.

Next Chapter – My Heart is Set! Helping Our Friends in Need!


	22. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 – My Heart is Set! Helping Our Friends in Need!

_Greetings, Naruto._

…zzzz…

_Naruto! Get off your lazy ass!_

_zzzzMmmph…wha……AAHHH! Old Man Hokage!_

_You were expecting someone else, Naruto?_

_AAAAHHH, YOU'RE BACK FROM THE-_

_Cut it out!_

…_dattebayo._

_How are you doing, Naruto?_

_Wha?_

_I mean your missions…how have they been? Satisfied?_

_Oh…hell no! Granny Tsunade gives me the easiest crap…Hey, did you see my mission where I wiped out the Kurosuki family? Pretty awesome, huh? Hehehe-_

_No, but I was watching your Bikouchuu trip._

……_okay, that was a rare lapse of judgment. I'm really far stronger than that._

_I know, Naruto, of course I know. But are you strong enough to help your old teacher?_

_Huh?_

_IRUKA-SAN!_

_Oh…duh I want to see him again! I'll do anything, even if I have to fight to get him back!_

_So you believe in his innocence?_

_YES!_

_Good, good. Now Naruto, I'm not here to tell you what to do-_

_zzzzzz…_

_Fine, FINE! You have to get Iruka-san out of jail in fifteen days. You know why right?_

_Uhm…the Chuunin exam?_

_Exactly. This Pervert Ninja will no doubt strike again, and at the worst time._

_Haha, you underestimate me, old man Hokage!_

_…?_

_I'm gonna get him out tonight!_

_Easy, Naruto. I know you're going to ignore this, but my advice is to take it slow._

_Of course I'm gonna ignore it, dattebayo! Especially when some wrinkled old man-_

_Naruto…Have you ever been punched by a Hokage before?_

_Sure! Granny Tsunade's got me plenty of times._

_Then you won't mind this-_

-**SMACK**-

"Wha? WHAT? OWWW!"

Naruto bolted upright, rubbing dust out his eyes. A soccer ball rolled to a halt beside him.

"Eww, a hobo-nin!"

"Hey, ugly…yeah you! Give us back the ball, retard!"

Naruto turned around. A group of angry-looking young Academy students was heading towards him.

"Ugly, huh?"

Out of intuition, he picked up the ball, threw it back as hard as he could at a certain sensitive spot, and ran for it.

He stopped five minutes later after seeing his reflection in a puddle. The Naruto staring back looked disheveled and, as the kids had told him, somewhat like a hobo. _Better get into some clean clothes_, he thought to himself. And considering he hadn't washed his jumper or anything underneath in, oh…nine months, it sounded like a pretty sensible idea.

Shortly thereafter, he arrived at his apartment. At this time, all of its residents had either left for work or the Academy, so the halls would be completely empty. With brief hesitation, he undressed completely and tossed his clothes into the dryer. _Hey, feelin easy and breezy's pretty good_, he thought to himself. With renewed vigor, he walked up towards his room on the third floor.

_Meanwhile…_

Sakura and Hinata sat patiently outside of room #314.

"Do you think he'll come?" asked Hinata timidly.

"Oh, definitely," replied Sakura. "He'll be looking for comfort, and we need to tell him that we're on his side."

As usual after every Naruto-related sentence, Hinata blushed. _I hope he's not in a bad mood_, she thought hopefully.

Footsteps around the corner answered her wish.

"See!" Sakura grinned. "I told you he'd come. Hey Naruto! It's you isn't it?"

The footsteps froze asa shaky voice answered her.

"W-whosat?"

"It's me and Hinata-chan, we're here to support you, Naruto!"

Silence. Followed by what sounded like a tree collapsing.

"Naruto! Are you okay?" screamed Sakura. "Do you need help-"

"NO NO NO NO NO! Stay back! I'm fine, perfectly fine…I just…tripped…"

Sakura raised an eyebrow.

"Ninjas don't trip Naruto, even loud-mouth hyperactive ones."

"Seriously Sakura-chan! Everything's OK, I promise! Just leave and let me get to my damn room!"

"S-Sakura-chan," Hinata trembled. "I…we shouldn't be bothering Naruto-kun if he doesn't want us to…"

"Oh, bullshit!" Sakura hated it when Naruto refused help. "Quit stalling, I'm going to take a look…come on Hinata!"

"W-wait Sakura-chan!"

_10 minutes later…_

"Why didn't you tell us you were naked?" Sakura grimaced. She still had one hand plastered to her eyes, but she was in better shape than the unconscious Hinata.

"Like you would believe me, dattebayo!"

The three of them were in his room (Hinata had to be dragged inside), and thankfully, Naruto had finally put his clothes back on.

"Just forget it," Sakura answered. "What can we do to help? You're still trying to recover over what happened yesterday…right?"

Naruto paced back and forth. Suddenly, he stopped and gave her a thumbs up.

"I've got it! We break Iruka-sensei out of jail in two hours!"

Sakura groaned and slapped her forehead.

"Naruto…you're planning to break Konoha law and free a convicted criminal, and you plan to do it in broad daylight? At least do whatever you're going to be doing at night like a real ninja!"

"Stupid Sakura-chan…if I do it in broad daylight, it'll be completely unexpected!"

"...You didn't think this over very well, did you?"

"Shut up."

"Okay, okay…it's not like you'd want advice from an incredibly intelligent and attractive Chuunin anyways…"

"FINE! What's your brilliant plan, know-it-all Sakura-chan?"

"First, I want to know if you're really going to try and break him out."

"OF COURSE, DAMMIT!"

"Whoa, calm down Naruto…I guess I'll be going with you then, if you want to have any chance at succeeding."

"Me too," whispered a now conscious Hinata. "I believe in you, Naruto-kun!"

"Then it's settled. Naruto, Hinata-chan, meet me at Ichiraku at 6 o' clock tonight."

"O-okay."

"Dattebayo, Sakura-chan!"

"And one more thing, Naruto."

"Eh?"

"Don't forget your clothes this time, unless you want to kill Hinata-chan."

Next Chapter: ReturningOld Favors! The Super-Dynamic Explosive Conclusion to Part II!

Note from writer: Midterm week, woohoo. I have a couple of exams that I need to "attend to", and some I don't. Part II will be finished and put up on Saturday...thanks to all you readers for putting up with this crap


	23. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 - Returning Old Favors! The Super-Dynamic Explosive Conclusion to Part II!

_The Hyuuga Household 4:45 pm_

"Going on another mission?"

"…?"

"Then why are you packing up?"

"Neji-kun…"

"No no, it's fine with me…have fun on your secret mission that you won't tell anyone about, even your own cousin…I'll just stay at home and use _Byakkugan_ while our neighbors are showering…."

"Neji-kun!"

"Uh, what did you say Neji?"

"Oh sorry Naruto, didn't see you there…if you heard anything perverted by chance, it came from Hinata-chan-"

"NEJI-KUN!"

----------

_The Haruno Household 5:00 pm_

"Hey Sakura, dattebayo dattebayo! Look at me, I'm sooo cool-"

"Silence, Naruto. You're not handsome or sexy enough to say such things."

"Ohhh, Sasuke! I love you so much…will you go out with me?"

"Let me think over that offer while I take off my shirt, Sakura."

"Dattebayo, dattebayo! Sasuke is a total loser dattebayo!"

"_Gaton: Goukakyou no Jutsu_!"

"OWWW! My butt's on fire, I should stop being such an ass, dattebayo!"

"Now that Naruto's out of the way…did you want to tell me something, Sakura?"

"Oh Sasuke…will you please have hot sex with me?"

"Well, I cannot resist your perfect body…I guess I have no choice but to commence humping."

"Oh Sasuke-mmphmph…that's the spot…"

"…this is what I've always wanted, Sakura…MMPH…yeah…"

"…mmmphhSasuke, am I making you horny?"

"…oh Sakura…you are guilty of that crime…again and again…"

_-KNOCK KNOCK-_

"MOM? WHAT THE HELL!"

"Stop playing with your dolls Sakura, someone's at the door looking for you."

"DAMNNARUTO I'M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!"

----------

_Ichiraku Ramen 5:15 pm_

-SLURP-

Naruto, Sakura, and Hinata sat at the ramen counter sipping their noodles…or wolfing them down in Naruto's case.

"Hehe, sorry for bringing you here early…I haven't eaten anything yet. Plus, I need a head start on my ramen…Kyuubi has to get his share, dattebayo! "

"T-that's okay…N-Naruto-kun," replied Hinata shyly. She was barely touching her bowl, thinking of the thousands of ways she could embarrass Naruto by simply lifting her chopsticks.

"Hey Sakura-chan, eat up!"

She stared sourly at her noodles.

"I'm not hungry."

-SLURP-

"Hehe, this isn't about those dolls your mom told-"

Sakura suddenly picked him up by the collar with one hand, a readied fist in the other.

"Don't you DARE…mention that AGAIN! UNDERSTOOD?"

Naruto whimpered.

----------

_Ichiraku Ramen 5:45 pm_

-SLURP-

"Are we DONE eating, Naruto?"

"Sakura-chan, I am appalled! This is just my 147th bowl."

"For the love of…just hurry the hell up!"

"I-it's okay Naruto-kun…I'll w-wait for-"

"Say Hinata-chan?"

"Y-yes, Naruto-kun?"

"Why were you getting ready for this mission so early? You must be really good at mission preparations! Uh…Hinata-chan?"

Sakura waved a hand in front of her face.

"I think her face is about to explode."

----------

_Ichiraku Ramen 6:30 pm_

"Jeez…Naruto, just stop – we're already over our meeting time."

-SLURP-

"She's right, Naruto…I think you're taking advantage of our all-you-can-eat offer."

"Hey manph, jus do the damnph cookingph, okayph?"

"…"

-SLURP-

----------

_Ichiraku Ramen 7:15 pm_

"Ohhh…I don't feel so good…"

"Yeah, that's what happens when you eat 350 bowls of ramen, Naruto."

"And…even worse…all that soup…is taking its toll…"

Sakura raised an eyebrow as Hinata continued to stare at Naruto, mortified.

"What's your point, Naruto?"

"I need to take a major dump…but I can't move…so, naturally…"

"There's NO way in hell I'm carrying you to a bathroom, Naruto."

"Okay then…I guess I'll…just have to…soil my pants…"

"FINE FINE! Excuse us a minute, Hinata-chan. Jeez…"

----------

_Outside Konoha public restroom 7:18 pm_

"THERE…I'm not going in, and I sure as hell ain't carrying you back."

"Thank you…Sakura-chan…"

She cast him one last scathing look and stormed back to the Ramen shop.

"Stupid doll-lover…hehe."

Naruto opened the door gratefully.

"What the-"

He froze. Directly on the other side was a tall figure completely clad in black robes.

"YOU!"

The dark figure immediately climbed out the window and sped off into the night.

"HEY! Get the hell back here! Aw crap…not at a time like this…"

With all his energy, he left his bathroom desires and chased after him. As they blew past the Ramen shop, he motioned to Hinata and Sakura and the three of them continued to pursue the mysterious black-clad stranger through Konoha and beyond. They leapt through the forests, across the meadows, over the brooks…until the black-clad man finally stopped.

_DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG!_

"Fool! You have run into Jiraiya the Horny, and in the middle of his late-night spying on walking women no less. Now reveal yourself, Pervert Ninja, and tell me your secrets!"

Sakura smacked her forehead.

"You and Naruto are so stupid! LOOK! He has no hat, he's not very out-of-shape…he doesn't fit the profile."

"As expected of you, Sakura," the man in black replied. He took off his robes, revealing a flak jacket underneath.

"Iruka-sensei!"

"Hello, Naruto."

"You escaped! But…why did you run away from me?"

"Because you would've made a loud fuss and waken up half of Konoha."

The others nodded in agreement.

"We know you're innocent, Iruka-san," said Jiraiya. "You simply don't have any talent for perversion."

Iruka smiled.

"While it's great to see you all, I'm afraid I must go off by myself."

"Like hell you will, dattebayo!"

"But Iruka-sensei!" Hinata was on the verge of tears. "You didn't do anything wrong, and we should prove it! You didn't have to break the law by escaping out of jail!"

"I'm sorry Hinata, but others in Konoha don't share your view…and more importantly, I had to break out and discover who this man really is before he is able to unleash his mayhem yet again."

"The Chuunin exam?"

"Right, Sakura…I will not let him harm my village, no matter what. Many leaf ninja are lowering their guard now that they think the culprit has been caught. If I had stayed in that cell, Konoha would be too complacent for the inevitable strike."

"Well, folks," Jiraiya butted in. "I hate to cut into our sweet reunion of sorts, but any moment now, we're all going to be chased by a horde of leaf ninja, so I suggest we get moving."

"Where will we go, Ero-sennin?"

"Let's try one of my 'information spots' first, Naruto."

The others groaned, but they knew staying wasn't going to help. The ninja took off into the night, collectively hoping that perhaps one day, they would be seen not as once missing-nin who abandoned their village, but as its saviors.

_End of PART II_

A note from the writer:

Looks like midterms were a bigger pain in the ass than I thought, so to punish myself forgetting this up a day late, I've written another sidechapter to bore your mind before I start Part III. Enjoy

Next Chapter: Sidechapter2 – Akatsuki Challenged? A Worthy Rival!


	24. Sidechapter B

Sidechapter 2 – Akatsuki Challenged? A Worthy Rival!

Zetsu, Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame walked down the dirt path in unpleasant moods.

"I'm hungry as hell…"

"Me too…am I insane yet, am I insane yet…"

"Will you two shut up?" Kisame stormed. "Look at Itachi, he's not complaining."

"That's because every word I say is painful due to the lack of nourishment I'm getting."

"See!" Deidara groaned. "Even silent bob knows Akatsuki doesn't get food benefits."

"And I'm getting tired of cannibalism," groaned Zetsu. "I need my vegetables, dammit."

"You call yourselves, Akatsuki?" roared Kisame. His stomach growled in response. "…fine, we'll go eat at some damn restaurant…cowards…"

Deidara whooped and pointed in front of them.

"Hey, what's that in the distance?"

"A barn, woohoo," muttered Itachi.

They walked closer and looked at the sign – _The Curry Shop of Life_.

"What's curry?" asked Deidara.

"You don't even know what curry is?" shouted Kisame incredulously.

"Neither do you," Itachi muttered.

"So? I don't waste time improving my food-recognizing skills."

"It's obvious," added Zetsu. "That because we spend all our time training in the deadly arts, we forgot about our basic needs."

The others looked at him oddly.

"Let's just get something to eat."

----------

"Sanshou-baasan, we have visitors!"

"Oh me, oh my Ranmaru! Anyone we know?"

"I don't think so…they're fierce-looking ninja dressed in ladies' clothes."

"…better get them some good curry then."

----------

"Mmm…somethin smells vewy good!"

"Stop acting like a little girl, Deidara."

"…I used to _be_ a little girl, asshole."

The Akatsuki walked up to the bar, where they were greeted by Karashi.

"Welcome to the Curry Shop of Life…can I please take your order?"

Kisame slammed some money on the counter and squinted at the menu.

"Four bowls of…coo-rye."

"Uh, you mean curry...on _plates_?"

"JUST BRING ME THE DAMN FOOD!"

"Y-yes sir!" Karashi scuttled into the kitchen.

----------

_Ten minutes later…_

The Akatsuki looked at their bubbling plates in tepid interest.

"Wow…just looking at it makes me dizzy."

"Can it, clay-wuss…just eat it and go!" yelled Kisame.

"That was cruel." Deidara picked up his fork and took a bite, half rice, half curry. The others watched silently as the food fumbled around his mouth and down his throat. Suddenly…

"SO HOT! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT-"

Kisame punched him in the face.

"What a dumbass…you can't stand a little spice?"

"Yeah," Zetsu added. "You're lucky your village newspaper didn't catch that."

Deidara did not settle down.

"You don't understand! Eating this…thing…is like fighting copy-ninja Kakashi!"

"So you're saying it's easy as hell," said Itachi.

"NO! It's…jeez, just try it yourself!"

Zetsu, Kisame, and Itachi spooned some curry into their mouths.

"So, what do you think?" asked Deidara, secretly hoping at least one of them would share his fate.

"I think you're a wuss," Zetsu replied. Kisame and Itachi nodded their heads.

"A huge wuss."

"This isn't spicy."

Deidara stared at them and pointed an accusing finger.

"FREAKS! You're all freaks! Wait a minute…none of you swallowed it!"

True enough, the curry bites the others took were stilll in the back of their mouths.

"Who's the wuss now? HAHAHA-"

Zetsu looked at him coldly.

"Let's just eat it so he'll shut up."

The others swallowed the curry tentatively and waited as Deidara stared at them.

"Well…?"

Itachi was the first to stand up.

"Excuse me for a moment."

He opened the door and walked outside as Zetsu and Kisame followed him quietly. Deidara watched them leave with in puzzlement.

"What the..."

He was interrupted. Suddenly. _Loudly_.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_----------_

_Two months later…_

"What are you going to do to me, Deidara? Death by explosion? Hahaha…"

"No…death by CURRY! HERE YOU GO, ASSHOLE!"

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


	25. Quick Notice for Part II

That's right, another quick notice! Aren't you excited, people? gets pummeled by tomatoes

Questions from part II that need to be addressed will be addressed. Thankfully, there are less questions this time around, so let's get them out of the way:

Q: When are you going to start part III, jackass?

A: I'm already done with the early chapters, be patient while I edit and try to make it legible.

Q: Is part III the last part?

A: Yes it is.

Q: In a few cases throughout part II, you forgot to put spaces in between words.

A: One, that's not a question. Two, I never have that problem when I edit on Word, it just shows up that way on FF. More often than not, when I add the spaces during the "previewing" with my FF doc manager, it bunches up other parts of the document too, and thus it's too much of a pain in the ass.

Q: Is Itadari dead?

A: Has Naruto ever killed anyone with Rasengan? Maybe Oddami Rasengan…

Q: What will you write after this?

A: I have no clue, probably something about why business school sucks.

Q: Why is it taking to longer to update for you now than before?

A: One word – school. You could also include other words like lazy, exhausted, uninspired…

Q: Why are the recent chapters longer than the earlier ones?

A: So I can compensate somewhat for the longer delays between updates.

Q: Where do you get your ideas?

A: From my disturbing imagination. Trust me, you don't want to read my M-rated alpha version of this story.

Well, that's all for now. Expect to see the next chapter up in the next 24-48 hours, and possibly two or three if I have some more free time. Thanks to everyone that's been keeping up with this story so far, I'd have zero motivation for this if it weren't for you guys :P

-larry

Next Chapter: What's With Your Face? Naruto's Second Hot Spring Experience!


	26. Chapter 21

_Part III_

Chapter 21 – What's With Your Face? Naruto's Second Hot Springs Experience! 

_Somewhere in the river country… _

"…zzz…zzzzmph…wha…wazzuh?…d-damn curtains…"

Naruto forced both eyes open and sat up in his moderate motel room. He broke an enormous stretch and got to his feet, half glad that he was awake.

The dream last night had been a strange one. He had caught up with Orochimaru at last, only to be challenged to a duel by his hated enemy. Of course, Naruto had taken up the offer, yet as he moved closer, Orochimaru's clothes kept falling off. Eventually, Naruto could not mentally bring himself to fight a naked ninja and ran away screaming as eerie, high-pitched childrens' laughter echoed behind.

_Must've been the ramen_, he thought, shaking his head. He brushed his teeth fervently and looked at his room's reflection in the mirror. Iruka continued snoring in the bed across. "…zzzzzzzz……..zzzzzzzzzzzzz….."

Naruto looked into the mirror and saw his mouth creep into a sly grin.

"He won't ever see it coming, preciousss!"

"B-but…it's Iruka-sensei!" Naruto pleaded to his reflection. "I don't want to piss him off, and at 7 in the morning…"

"LIESSS! We wants to piss him off…we wants it, yessss…_Nollum, Nollum_!"

"Oh…alright…"

Naruto turned around and snuck up onto Iruka's bed and right next to his sleeping form. Quietly under his breath, he whispered, "_Sexy no Jutsu…_"

----------

Meanwhile, across the hall… 

Sakura twisted and turned in her sleep as her usual dream of making out with Sasuke continued. Suddenly, his image began to fade…someone else was calling out to her.

"S-Sakura-chan? A-are you having a nightmare?"

Sakura stopped moving and snuggled against the pillow, keeping her eyes shut. _Mmph……………wait a minute…this isn't a pillow!_

"Oh, Hinata-chan? Hehe, I'm really sorry about that…you could've just asked…if you wanted to sleep in the same bed……zzz…"

Sakura began to doze off again. She felt a little embarrassed that she had accidentally made out with Hinata, but right now, she was too exhausted to care.

"B-but Sakura-chan…I'm still sleeping in the b-bed across from you…"

Sakura's eyes widened.

"Then who's this?…Oh PLEASE don't tell me-"

----------

Back in Naruto's room… 

Naruto's jutsu was interrupted by Sakura's piercing scream from across the hall.

"YOU! YOU FILTHY, PERVERTED OLD MAN, GET OUT OF HERE! GET-"

Iruka bolted upright.

"What's going on? Is it an emergency?"

"Don't worry about it," Naruto sulked. "I think the Frog Hermit got caught in the act."

Suddenly, a shirtless, white-haired ninja burst through the door.

"Hehe," chuckled Jiraiya. "Uh…forget about that."

"You've hit a new low, Ero-Sennin." Naruto shook his head.

"Jeez, Naruto! All that happened was I went sleepwalking, and it just so happened I ended up in Sakura's bed! What are the chances?"

Naruto remembered something Jiraiya had said a few days ago…

_Sakura! This immature act deserves severe consequences! Head for my motel room at once with a see-through skirt and three beers - here's my room key…_

"Very high chances, now that I think about it," he shuddered.

Jiraiya snorted.

"We have to move on! Remember, our mission is to capture the Pervert Ninja-"

"I find that kind of hard now," muttered Naruto.

"That's why you're not mentally strong yet!" Jiraiya flexed his muscles and grinned, looking very Gai-like. "Even if it takes all your energy, you have to put this episode behind you…like the Bikouchuu episodes…or the Tea Country arc…or those damn Naruto/Konohamaru fillers…"

Iruka got off his bed and yawned.

"What are you talking about, Jiraiya-sama?"

"Uh…nothing. Let's just get some info, okay?"

----------

_Two hours later at a hot springsa coupleblocks down…_

"I thought you said we were going to find information, Jiraiya-sama."

Naruto and Sakura sighed.

"You'll learn, Iruka-sensei…eventually," said Naruto.

The party of five entered the bathhouse and put their gear to the side as Jiraya began barking out instructions.

"Hmm, since there's only two free spas left…Okay Iruka-san, you come with me. Naruto, you take the girls into the other one and, uh…talk things over…."

Naruto watched the two adults leave and turned to Sakura and Hinata.

"Well! Here's our chance to plan ahead and clean ourselves too while-"

He stopped in mid-sentence.

"Uh…Sakura-chan, what's with…what's with her face?"

Sakura waved a hand in front of Hinata. She could have been mistaken for a statue, except…

"Hey, Hinata-chan! Your face is turning so many weird colors…you want some medicine? Hello? Hinata-chan!"

Sakura shook her head and put her arms under Hinata's.

"Come on, Naruto…let's get you a bath for once in your life," she muttered as she dragged Hinata towards the empty spa.

Next Chapter: N-N-N-Naruto-kun…NO! D-Don't leave us alone, Sakura-chan!


	27. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 – N-N-N-Naruto-kun…NO! D-Don't leave us alone, Sakura-chan!

Clad only in bath towels, the trio waded into the water…though Hinata had to be forcefully pushed inside by Sakura.

"Hey Sakura-chan, how come I gotta be on the other side?" asked Naruto.

"You're telling me if you were sitting right next to us right now, you wouldn't try anything perverted?"

"Oh, good point." Naruto leaned back and dipped his shoulders underwater. "What do we do now then?"

"Didn't you hear what Jiraiya-sama said? Think! We need some ideas."

"Hmm, it's _so_ easy for us to think when Hinata-chan is comatose and I'm having a bath with two hot girls," Naruto replied sarcastically. "Wow, my mind is _sparkling_ clear!"

"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura closed her eyes. "Give me a moment to brainstorm…"

----------

When she opened her eyes, Hinata was still stone-like and Naruto was two inches away from her face.

"Hey beautiful, whatcha-"

Sakura promptly punched him back to the other side.

"Owww…"

"Naruto, did you learn anything from Jiraiya in the last three years…aside from his perverted habits?"

"Stupid Sakura-chan," mumbled Naruto under his breath. "So…did you think of anything? Or back to square one as usual?"

Sakura scowled.

"Of course I thought of an idea, and a practical one at that. Can you hear me, Hinata-chan?" Hinata bobbed her head slightly, still staring into space. "Good…alright, here's my plan. There's no way we can go back to Konoha right now with everyone looking for us. The good news is-"

"Booooring…what's the idea?"

"Let me finish, baka! The good news is, because Konoha needs to keep a supply of ninja on hand for the Chuunin exam preparations, they've allowed our allies to come in and take part in the search for us. That means-"

"I GET IT! You're saying we go in and beat them all up! Great plan, Sakura-chan!"

"…"

"…"

"What, dattebayo?"

"BAKA! I'm saying we need to go to Hidden Sand and ask them for some of their uniforms…then we can go back to Konoha pretending we're hunter-nins from Sunagakure and search the village inside and out in our disguises!"

"DoesKonoha really let hunter-nins do that?"

"Well, Tsunade-sensei obviously won't let them search certain parts of Konoha, but I'm guessing we'll be able to cover a large area regardless. They still have the village on lockdown, so we can assume that the Pervert Ninjahasn't gone anywhere."

"Ahhhhh…I get it, dattebayo! Whaddya think of that, Hinata-chan?"

"…"

Naruto noticed that the air on the girls' side of the spa was beginning to fog up.

"I agree...good thinking, Sakura-chan!"

"Yeah yeah, Naruto…I'm going to tell the others about it. Wait here, and try not to do anything stupid, Naruto…I'll be right back."

Sakura jumped out of the water and went back to the bathhouse, leaving Naruto and Hinata alone in the spa.

"What did she mean by that?"

Naruto looked around.

"Hey, Hinata-chan?"

The air was so thick with steam now, Naruto could barely see his hands.

"Hinata-chan?"

He got up and waded around the edges of the pool, noticing the more steps he took, the higher the water temperature went. Suddenly…

"OOF!" It felt like he had smacked into a lump of molten rock.

"Hey, that's no rock…"

Instead, the steam in front of him gave way to a familiar facegazinginto space. Her body was so red, it looked as if she had slept in a tanning salon.

"H-h-h-h-h-hi Naruto-k-kun," she managed, shaking all over.

"Jeez, calm down Hinata-chan! What's with your face?"

"I…I…"

"That does it, dattebayo! If you're not going to settle down, I'll have to give you some help…"

Naruto inched closer to Hinata's trembling form.

"N-Naruto-kun!"

----------

_Several minutes later…_

Sakura opened the bathhouse doors in a cheerful mood. Though she had expected Jiraiya to spend more time gazing at her unclothed parts than listening to her, he had actually approved her idea with Iruka. As she got closer to the spa, she noticed the unusually thick steam vapors permeating her surroundings.

"_Shiramasu no Jutsu!_ (clear technique)"

The steam began to break to break off…unfolding a scene Sakura had never expected to see in her entire life.

"What the…Iruka-sensei, Jiraiya-sama...you better take a look at this," she whispered, unaware that they were far away. "How did it ever come to this?"

Next Chapter: What Happened, Baka? The Secret Events of the Hot Springs!

_Hunter-nin-A ninja hired to hunt down missing-nin_

_Sunagakure- Another name for Hidden Sand village_


	28. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 - What Happened, Baka? The Secret Events of the Hot Springs!

The air was so thick with steam, Naruto could barely see his hands.

"Hinata-chan?"

He got up and waded around the edges of the pool, noticing the more steps he took, the higher the water temperature went. Suddenly…

"OOF!" It felt like he had smacked into a lump of molten rock.

"Hey, that's no rock…"

Instead, the steam in front of him gave way to a familiar face staring off into space. Her body was so red, it looked as if she had slept in a tanning salon.

"H-h-h-h-h-hi Naruto-k-kun," she managed, shaking all over.

"Jeez, calm down Hinata-chan! What's with your face?"

"I…I…"

"That does it, dattebayo! If you're not going to settle down, I'll have to give you some help…"

Naruto inched closer to Hinata's trembling form.

"N-Naruto-kun!"

"Sorry about this…_Sexy no Jutsu_!"

-POOF!-

Hinata found herself staring not at Naruto now, but a naked blonde girl with whiskers…

"Feel better now, Hinata-chan?" the girl mocked teasingly.

Hinata couldn't help herself.

"I'm…I'm okay now, Naruto-kun," she giggled. "You can be yourself now."

-POOF!-

"Dattebayo! That's the key you know, we should always be ourselves, no matter what situation we're in, Hinata-chan!"

_Be ourselves? _

"Hinata-chan, you okay?"

_You're right Naruto-kun…I'll just have to be myself…_

"Look, Hinata-chan…if you want to say something, just say it."

"W-what if it's something I want to do, Naruto-kun?"

"Then do it for Chrissakes!"

Hinata grabbed Naruto's head violently and began to slobber all over his lips profusely in a horrible attempt of kissing.

"Mmmph…Hinata-champh!"

A few seconds later, the kiss broke off as the two separated, gasping for air.

"S-sorry…Naruto…Naruto-kun…" panted Hinata.

It was Naruto with the feverish face this time.

"W-what was that?"

"I'm really sorry Naruto-kun! Please-"

"WOOO! It was AWESOME!" Naruto leapt up like a maniac. "Let's do it again, dattebayo!"

Once again, the two continued their awkward attempts of making out.

_This is like a dream…oh Naruto-kun! I wonder what he's thinking right now?_

_Please don't fart, please don't fart…_

_I wish this would never end…_

_Oh no, here comes one now!_

_I wonder what we'll do next?_

_Must…hold…breakfast…in…gah…_

-KABOOM!-

----------

"So that's what happened Sakura-chan…yep. Once again, my farting ruined another romantic overture. Jealous?"

Sakura snorted and got into the water next to Hinata, who was still floating on her back, unconscious.

"Jealous of what? Why do I get the feeling that what you just said is complete BS?"

"Sakura-chan! I am appalled that you'd think that way!"

"So you're telling me that when you got close to her, she didn't faint like she ALWAYS does?"

"Yep, dattebayo!"

"Pffft…whatever baka, let's go wake her up. We better get going to Hidden Sand before Jiraiya-sama goes through all the spa's free sake samples…"

_Meanwhile…_

"Hey scar-babe, where do you think you're goin? Hehehe…"

"Please, Jiraiya-sama, get your hands off of me! _HELLLP_!"

**Next chapter update: 11/23**

Next Chapter: Sandman's New Hobby! Securing a Favor From Kazekage Gaara!


	29. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 – Gaara's New Hobby! Securing Favor From Kazekage!

For the second time in days, Naruto found himself wandering the barren, sand-swept streets of Sunagakure. Only this time, he had a destination, as well as some Ramen packages in his pants.

"434, 435…436 Sunagakure…this is it!"

He looked up at the colossal structure and whistled. _Being Kazekage sure has its rewards_, he thought. Naruto began to bang on the door.

"Hey Gaara, what's…hey! You're not Gaara, you're that pervert-"

"What pervert?" asked Kankurou, incensed.

"Uh I mean _puppet_ – puppet…guy. Where's Gaara?"

"In the room to the left…no, not that one!"

Kankurou hastily jumped in Naruto's way.

"T-Two rooms down…wake Gaara up, I think he's sleeping."

"Sleeping? I thought he never slept?"

"Ever since his Shukaku was…violently removed, he's been sleeping 15 hours a day."

"Oh, I see."

Naruto thought he heard some rustling from behind Kankurou's door.

"Hey, what's that racket, Kankurou?" asked a familiar voice from behind the door.

"N-nothing…I'll be right back!"

"Who is that, dattebayo? I've heard that voice before somewhere…"

"Dammit Naruto, two doors down!"

"Sheesh, okay okay…"

----------

When Naruto entered the Kazekage's room, he found Gaara with his face plastered in a couch, muttering various things. Naruto turned him over and waved a hand over his face.

"Hey Gaara, you awake?"

"…zzz…his eyes…they remind me of him…zzz…"

"…huh?"

"…Uchiha…Sasuke…zzz…"

"Uh, Gaara?"

"…I have a big debt to Konoha…"

"Gaara?"

"…eyes that wish to prove their existence…"

Naruto unconsciously grabbed his friend by the throat and shook him vehemently.

"Hey Gaara, snap out of it!"

"Huh? Oh…it's you…what do you want."

"We need to borrow your-"

Gaara raised a hand and sat up.

"Jiraiya-sama and I already talked, and I agreed to lend you and your comrades some uniforms-"

"Excellent, dattebayo! We'll be leaving now-"

"-in exchange for something."

"Oh great…what is this something?"

Gaara sighed.

"…I have to ask you a question, and I want an honest answer."

Naruto began to sweat profusely.

"Look Gaara, if it's about the ramen I stole-"

Gaara shook his head.

"Well," Naruto continued. "I don't find your sister hot anymore...at least not now!"

"I don't care. Truth is, Temari has been up to some weird activites recently…No, that's not it."

"Then what, dattebayo?"

Gaara looked into Naruto's eyes.

"Naruto…can you make me cool?"

"WHAT?"

"Don't make it harder than it already is. If you were a girl, hypothetically, would you find me attractive?"

Naruto's jaw dropped.

"…Honestly Gaara, I don't know how to answer that one."

"Fine, let me rephrase it – am I…_interesting_?"

"Uh, do you want my honest answer, or my answer that's been forced the way it is because I'm afraid of your death sand?"

"Honest answer," said Gaara .

"Then YEESH!" Naruto groaned. "You're more boring than potatoes, Gaara…and potatoes are pretty boring, dattebayo…wait, you're more boring than Konoha Academy classes! Man, you're SO boring, I'd rather die than-"

A vein began to bulge on Gaara's forehead.

"Uhm…what I mean is…yes, Gaara, you are boring. But hey, that's what Sakura-chan says! Don't kill the messenger!"

Gaara sighed again and looked at the dusty floor.

"Naruto, I need a girlfriend. All of them seem creeped out by me for some reason."

"Hey wait a minute!" Naruto roared. "What's with those fangirls that showed up when you were revived by Chiyo-basama?"

"Those weren't girls, Naruto."

"Uuugggghhhhh…," Naruto shuddered. "And to think I asked oneout-"

"The point is…Naruto, why do girls avoid me?"

"Let's see…what do you like to do in your spare time, Gaara?"

"Wel…I like to sleep for hours. I like to invent new ways to torture people. Murder sprees, thoseI also enjoy…"

"See, there's your problem. Gaara, friend to friend, I really suggest you get a new personality. If girls aren't digging you now, you gotta be the opposite person of who you are now!"

Gaara pondered the words. "Well…it _makes_ sense...Alright, I'll get a new personality, Naruto. But you better be right about this."

Naruto grinned.

"With my philosophy on girls, you'll be hauling in chicks in no time! Remember, just be the opposite of the current Gaara."

"I got it Naruto…you better get some rest though, it's getting late. Sleep on the third floor if you want, we have plenty of room."

Naruto yawned and headed to the stairs.

"Good luck getting a new personality, Gaara!"

"Yeah, I'll see you later Naruto…"

Gaara escorted him out the door and returned to his sleep. Naruto could hear Gaara mutter _opposite, be the opposite_ over and over as he left for his room.

Next Chapter (update coming 11/25): Poor Shikamaru! Temari's Secret Love Interest!

**Happy Thanksgiving everyone! XD**


	30. Chapter 25

Chapter 25 – Poor Shikamaru! Temari's Secret Love Interest!

_The Suna Times_

_July 3_

**Ninja Village Showcases Stupidity Yet Again**

_Konohagakure, also known as Hidden Leaf village and home to many "talented" shinobi, once again managed to show everyone why it's been voted the Suna Times's "Dumbest Village of the Year" award 5 years running. And to think they'd have gotten the message by now…_

_Unless you've been living under a cave the past week, you already know about the mysterious "Pervert Ninja" accused of producing illicit pornography and distributing it worldwide through a certain adult magazine company. 3 days ago, the presumed culprit was caught and arrested by Konoha officials, and verified as a member of his own village. This news did not come as a surprise to many, who already knew of Konoha's disturbing penchant for perverted shinobi and their poor skills of self-concealment._

_What did come as a surprise, at least to those in Konoha, was a startling revelation yesterday that the accused Pervert Ninja had easily fled the village's low-rate prison system and had been on the run for two days. Even more embarrassing was a series of nasty leaflets distributed throughout Konoha this morning, apparently straight from someone claiming to be the real Pervert Ninja, and including, among other things, another round of dirty ninja photos. So not only has Konoha captured the wrong person and let him escape, the criminal is still within Konoha's boundaries and nothing has been done about it! "We're doing everything we can," Hokage Tsunade lied at a press conference after the leaflets were found, clearly aggravated and desperate to put this behind her. "This perverted freak WILL be found and brought to justice!" she added, convincing no one._

_With the Chuunin exam scheduled to begin in less than two weeks, one can only imagine what laughable, self-deprecating events Konoha will offer to the public. Though the previous invasion by yours truly proved that Hidden Leaf village is always open to making a complete ass of itself, this Pervert Ninja scandal has the makings of another classic-_

Naruto threw the paper away and scowled.

_Man…I hope Gaara and the others don't feel the same way this jerk does_.

He looked at the clock in his spacious yet monotonous guest room – it was almost midnight.

Better get some rest then…

He fell face-first into his sturdy bed and dozed off immediately.

----------

A loud banging noise awoke Naruto. He checked the clock again – 2am.

Naruto grumbled and planted a dirty pillow over his head. He would have fallen asleep then…had it not been for another loud banging, coming from what sounded like the room below.

"For the love of-"

Naruto slid off the bed and put an ear to the floor. Something was shaking beneath his room. He leaned closer…now there were two voices, barely audible. The first few words he heard woke him up like a jolt of boiling coffee.

"Wow, this is the perfect screw."

"Hey Kankurou…a little to the right-"

"How did you get me to do this again?" Kankurou panted.

"_Naughty Ninja_ tour passes, remember?"

"Oh right…let's get back to business, sis."

"Do you really need your hands in there, Kankurou?"

"No, but I'd like it if you'd let go of my nuts, Temari."

_What the hell?_ Naruto thought to himself. _You've got to be joking…_

"I'm not joking Kankurou, you're better than I thought!"

More creaking and banging ensued.

"Yes, yes…yes! BOOYA!" shouted Temari.

"Sis, I'm just getting started…let's do it from the back, now-"

Naruto suddenly felt very sympathetic towards Shikamaru for some unknown reason. And for another reason that he could not comprehend, Naruto forced himself to creep down the stairs and next to the door. He could still hear the loud noises, though they had died down quite a bit.

"Say, you hear something, Kankurou?"

_-SMASH-_

"AHA! You two sex addicts, gimme your damn tape and no one gets…wha?"

Naruto stood there, a shaking finger pointed at Temari and Kankurou…and Shikamaru? On second inspection, it wasn't him thankfully, but a puppet that resembled him down the intricate hair style, the eyes, even his forehead protector. Various screws and nuts were strewn around its base. It was then that Naruto realized the Sand siblings had not engaged in riotous humping as he had predicted, but…

"Temari-chan? This is…what the…are you…"

"Yes, I'm that desperate!" she snapped. "I can't stand to be without Shikky, so I got puppet-boy here to do the second best thing! Go ahead, laugh it up, baka!"

Naruto didn't know whether to crack up or throw up.

"B-b-but I thought you didn't like him! Remember, you…when you were in Konoha…"

Temari grinned and began stroking the near-completed puppet in a weird fashion.

"It's true that I find him annoying, worthless, and a total idiot sometimes," she said. "But everything else about him…oh Shikky, I can't live…with or without you…"

She pushed a button on the puppet's neck, causing it to blurt out over and over "_Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse, Mendokuse_…"

It looked as if she wanted to make out with the puppet on the spot.

"In that case…I'll just leave you three – I mean, you two alone…" Naruto slowly backed away from the scene and closed the door. As he headed back to his room, something Gaara had said to him earlier came to mind:

_Truth is, Temari has been up to some weird activites recently…_

"Man…….that is one crazy-ass bitch," he muttered, and fell asleep.

Next Chapter: The Opposite Kazekage! That's Not What I Meant, Gaara!

_Mendokuse – Japanese for "How troublesome," i.e. Shikamaru's favorite statement_


End file.
